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You have to go a bloody long way to find any team I follow seriously winning anything but here we are:  

 Now only one division separates us from the Football League and real action. Dizzy stuff. Consider that in 1990 we played Luton Town in the (now) Premier League and 20 years down the track we're playing them in the fifth division. We had our club stolen and they had theirs destroyed from the inside - and here we are together again. 

Ahh.. Everything is alright with the world until 4.40 this afternoon when the other member of "the big two" get stuffed by 200 points.

A history of invention

Back when I was young, stupid and creative I used to invent new things all the time. Sadly none of them were in any way earth shattering, or in fact any good at all, so I conveniently avoided become a multi-millionare before my 13th birthday. During the years 1993 and 1994 I had a glory era for inventing sports which, frankly, I'm appalled have never been adopted by the IOC. 

A) No Rules Soccer

Now, the name is a bit misleading but we were young and tended to oversimplify things. You couldn't handball or attack the goalkeeper but otherwise were welcome to do as you liked. There was some sort of unspoken gentleman's agreement against going too far, but it was still a quality hybrid of football and Ice Hockey. 

Big hits and hip and shoulders were the order of the day on Malvern Oval for months. Over time people even created pro-wrestling style gimmick characters. Witness, for instance, the kid obsessed with Dragonball who carried a tennis ball in his pocket and would deploy it as required. A carefully aimed throw at the back of the legs could disarm a potential attacking move, but a poor throw could mean having to scramble to recover it - or even worse have it fall into the hands of the enemy. Other bonuses of the "jumpers for goalposts" playing field were the complete lack of boundaries (unless you somehow managed to shank one onto High Street), and the fact that you could play a ball from behind the goals to a teammate waiting on the other side to gleefully smash it home. Cue wild set pieces and the additional tension for the keeper of having to defend in two directions. Eventually people find better things to do and the handful of loyalists left went back to the ludicrously slanted and deadly ashphalt field within the school. It was truly the end of the era. 

B) Unnamed Contact Sport 

It was Grade 6, cricket was the most boring sport ever invented, there was no space to play footy, and we'd been banned from soccer against the Grade 5s because every lunchtime ended in a riot where somebody was hit with a stick. The little shits deserved it. So, 10 or 15 underage and bloodthirsty children were left with nothing to do. 

Enter late night television and a showing of The Running Man that I should never have been allowed to stay up and watch. This inspired a combination of Rugby, Capture The Flag and homicide. Two teams would line up at either end of the school and a ball would be left somewhere in between. The rules were extremely simple. Find the ball and rush it into the opposition base by any means necessary by the end of lunchtime. 45 minutes of chaos and an afternoon of post-match analysis in class were sure to follow. 

Of course it never really worked out. Despite a number of innovative tactics such as decoy runners, false intelligence, and the clever use of innocent bystanders which organically sprang up over its short life nobody ever actually scored. After a few games it became clear that once the ball was lost you just had to set up a defensive wall in front of your base and fight to the death to make sure nobody got through. Given more time I'm convinced these tactics would have been exposed by rapid counter attacking and/or SAS style commando raids over walls, but it never happened. 

One lunchtime couldn't settle the score, and despite my best attempts at creating teams with logos and theme songs everyone wanted to start again the next day because so-and-so was off sick and he was supposed to be on their team so sadly the sport withered and died before even being named. After a particuarly brutal match where somebody was bodyslammed outside the school library the authorities stepped in to put a halt to the carnage. Lacking the rebel streak to continue underground Fight Club style, the punters went their seperate ways and it was never spoken off again. To fill the void left by an end to meaningless violence I started stealing things. 

C) Skiffing

Now, this was pure stupidity. After a summer of cricket where every lunchbreak would cut to 18-foot yachting on Sydney Harbour Bay there was legitimate buzz for the sport in our parts. Mainly because censors struggled to contain crews using the foulest language outside of SBS. How we laughed when Rob Brown on Prudential got clocked by a Sydney Ferry and almost died. To understand the concept of this new and exciting extreme sport you have to study the art of the skiff, especially the hanging off the side of the boat into mid-air.

Our reckless version was to find the highest railing you could and hang off it in the style of Club Marine or Nokia. The more disturbed members of the skiffing community took this to extremes and started hanging backwards off the railing outside our third floor Year 7 classroom. To get maximum skiffing cred you also had to bounce around while holding the railing, so here was So there Nutcase McLooneytunes, with nowt but death awaiting him if he let go, hovering over the void with no concern whatsoever. 

How he didn't neck himself I'm not sure, but it was certainly the end of the sport. Like Alexander the Great weeping because he could conquer no more lands we wept (not really, you would have been bashed) for there were no higher railings to skiff from. Ever since the world record skiff performance I've had a phobia about watching other people standing, setting, whatever near edges where they might plummet. Can I sue the school even if it was because of something I created? 

 The real 18ft series would, for all intents and purposes, die in the arse when Channel 9 came up with the Cricket Show and now appears to be nothing more than a front for some restaurant in Darling Harbour. Vale. 

Then there was Downball. Not my creation by any stretch of the imagination, but an important part of childhood nonetheless. Now I'm sure this game is played somewhere under another name with similar rules but I can't find mention of it anywhere. Wikipedia refers to Downball as a variety of something called 'Australian Handball' which is played on a court and bears to resemblance whatsoever to our version which took place against any sort of wall with a flat, hard surface beneath it. 

The official website for their version of the sport - oh yes, it has one - shows people in gigantic walled uber-squash courts (think of a Jai A'lai fronton) hitting a tiny rubber ball from a mile away. My school did have a couple of these giganti-courts but none of them were being used for downball. Singles and doubles play was available and the concept was to hit the tennis ball into the wall after making it hit the ground first. First person to not be able to get it back on one bounce loses the point. 

Fairly simple concept, but the best had their trademark tricks. Instead of standard palm strikes the grandmasters would wait for the ball to drop as low as possible before hitting it with an open hand, causing the ball to skim low and force an opponent to risk grazed knuckles trying to chase it down. Many times we saw a plucky competitor playing on with blood pissing everywhere only to run to the school nurse at the bell and complain that they were mortally wounded to get out of afternoon maths. 

 It was first to six with a two advantage and the winner stayed on. I was quite good in my day, nowhere near the best but a respectable contender - top ten for sure. The only problem was that there was no top ten. No rankings at all. I tried to rectify this sad scenario with the introduction of tournament play and ATP style rankings but it went well over the head of less spectrumy kids. 

Then we all discovered softcore porn and the era of innovation ended rapidly. God forbid they'd had the internet then it would have been all over.

Youtubular Bells.

Whatever did we do before YouTube? How many fewer obscure music videos, 1980s wrestling interviews, and clips of people smacking themselves in the plums would I have watched without it? 4,727 apparently if their stats are anything to go by. 

In this time I've chosen several videos as 'favourites'. Take out the music videos (even the ones that do make me sweat) this is what we're left with.  

Key Moment: 0.00 when the jauntiest slide whistle ever in played and Mrs. Jackson struts to the checkout to be confronted by a giant paper bag. And why do they spell 'hello' as 'hullo'?

 

Key Moment: Pam's supreme comic timing at 0.16. A surprise considering that her acting in the rest of the ad is dubious at best. Call me sick but I think she's kind of hot in this ad - in a sort of 80s permed way.

   

Key Moment: So many, so little time. 0.27 - "Max doughys in the gravel at Lidcombe staysh", 1.00 - "tell us about your best mate Kev", 1.47 - "What drugs.. don't Trent like", 2.14 - "mum works pretty hard.. a lot of cock for cash". Sure it's probably fake but I like to convince myself that it's not. If it's not then Trent and Kev deserve their own sitcom. If it is, the people who wrote the script for this do. Make sure to visit the Trent online store and get your "I CLIMBED THE FENCE AT BASS HILL DRIVE IN" bumper sticker for the recession busting price of $9 US.  

Key Moment: 1.56 - "Heartthrob! You got that Vegas Leglock! You don't need no dropkick. To be an escaped convict" Doesn't rhyme in the slightest but they get away with it. Here's to amateur tributes to early 80's wrestlers sort of to the tune of Wild Thing.  

Key Moment: 0.00 - That theme song. I've said it before and I'll say it again. It's the sound of somebody hitting a radiator try and attract attention because they've just been kidnapped by somebody who is starting up a power drill. It's great at Wobbies World. Please note also at 0.12 that they foresee the Vermont South tram extension by a full 14 years.  

Key Moment 0.50 - "Man with a box of killer bees. God knows what it all means. It's dizzy stuff. Joy Buttress" Completely incomprehensible if you weren't there. Good times.

 

Key Moment: 0.58 when the plucky Sri Lankan has his plums rattled for the second time in two - err - balls and hits the deck in agony. 

Fonejacker - Jimmy Jon in Full The crunting poltroons won't let you embed this one. Just click it. Key Moment: 1.14 - "You know how many ikea beds I've br-oken? Mid pump. You wouldn't fucking believe it" or 1.55 "I fuckin' rock! I'm insane!"  

A great man, taken before his time. No key moments, just get into it. Now with added Ann Wills.

   

Key Moment: 0.10 - the first appearance of the gigantic pencil.  

Key Moment: 0.02 - PRC and a giant chicken in a rare instance where he didn't lose the plot and say fuck a lot.

   

And here's where he does. Key Moment: 0.09 - "G'day! I've been invited to something special. Get fucked.

   

Key Moment: 0.16 - "I'm payin' money!"  

Key Moment: 0.11 - The giant frying pan being dragged onto the ground and Lou Richards uttering the immortal phrase "It's interchange salt and pepper!" Finishes with a nostalgic shot of the Waverley Park scoreboard which reveals that Fitzroy should won the egg cup but had to settle for a draw (and eventually oblivion) by shit kicking

.  

Key Moment: 0.13 - the payoff to the gag.  

Key Moment: Everything from 1.21 onwards. Makes me want to throw things at the wall in celebration. Please the words of D. Commetti at 5.36 - "they're going long to the square and they're kicking goals". More of the same in '09 please. Sadly the Sydney Footy Tab ad from the 1980's where they admitted that betting on the footy used to be illegal has been removed. Thank god we still have a screenshot of their award winning logo;

   

 Best slogan ever. How could that offend anyone? It was a mighty jingle.

Remember The Titans (TV Weak Edition)

New to this blogging caper? New to this blog? Bullshit, I know you're exactly the same people that were reading three years ago and that you remember the glorious 2006 "Hotdogs 4 Gold" logie awards campaign. Need a recap? Fair enough; * Hotdogs was some slop merchant off Big Brother who, despite the handicap of not having a real name, ended up hosting one of the first late night moneymaking scams quiz shows on Australian television. He was also fined for apparently being noshed off by a groupie outside a Brisbane pub, but who's going to hold that against him? * Somebody who was definately not in any way related to me discovered that in those innocent times the "unique" voting code that TV Week expected you to get off the front cover of their magazine to vote was actually in no way "unique", and that they simply started at a certain point and counted up one-by-one. * Several people pointed this flaw in the system out and - let's face it this is where THEY probably went a bit wrong - invited punters to exploit this to vote early, vote often and vote a million times for the popular late night quiz show host. * A successful media campaign led to coverage in the mainstream press for the campaign. This led to TV Weak calling the lawyers in and issuing cease and desist letters to the key players. You will note from the following that they never actually said they had an issue with the exposure of the flaws in the voting system; “By the unauthorised use of our client’s logo and the inclusion of a link to the TV Week online voting site, the website implies an association with TV Week. Such conduct is in breach of Section 53 of the Trade Practices Act.” So theoretically we.. err they could just have removed the logo and the link and everything would have been alright - but who's going to risk getting hauled over the coals for a novelty action? * Rumors abounded that there were so many votes for Hotdogs that TV Weak (who are, in no way connected with the popular television publication of a similar name) employed people to specifically pick out the votes for him - whether they were legitimate or not. * One of the presenters made mention of it during the ceremony (!) but we never heard of the campaign, or Hotdogs himself ever again. Lest they ever be lost, let's remember some of the great moments of the "Hot Dogs 4 Gold" campaign. (Right click and view image because I'm too lazy to resize) After the Herald Scum turned on the campaign shortly after their friends the lawyers stepped in. For legal reasons I can't explain this one. But this was the shot that replaced anything with the TV Weak logo or their pissy statue in it. Thanks Judge Ito. So, why the reminiscing? Well, apparently stacking the TV Weak awards is back in fashion - and encouraged; INTERNATIONAL celebrities have joined fans in a campaign to farewell Neighbours veteran Ian Smith with a gold Logie. Smith has been the most consistent neighbour as Harold Bishop for more than 22 years and finally exits the soap on Friday. And with friends like the faded 1980s popstar Rick Astley and the now happily grey Tom Jones, who can stop him? Both have sent best wishes for his retirement and have backed an I Heart Harold gold Logie campaign being run on the Neighbours website. "I was never going to give you up but you're off anyway - best of luck," Astley said. Jones said, "Harold, good luck in the future from me, Tom Jones - we're gonna miss you." Australian Idol judge Dicko said, "Twenty years ... Shapelle Corby got less. Mate, you deserve the gold Logie, I'm voting." I just hope they've tightened their voting code process in the last few years.. otherwise it might be time for the return of the Dog three years too late..

TSP's Corporate Love Day Spectacular 2009

"Love", the Captain and Tenille claimed, "will keep us together". However the Rolos ad once said "Love hurts, Love scars, Love wounds and mars". Who are we to believe? Given that Rolos are quite tasty, and that the Captain's real name was actually Daryl Dragon I'm going to have to learn towards the chocolates on this one. 

So, it's in this spirit of resistance that we launch into TSP's annual look at the best and worst - but mainly the worst - of the Herald Sun "Book of Love". I'm reading the lot and filtering out the boring so you don't have to. Unfortunately they've only managed to muster up 16 pages of terror this year. This may be due to one, or more of the following; a) It's a Saturday b) The world economic crisis c) Post-disaster sensitivity, d) People realising that it's a grandstanding waste of money. Anyway, on with the show.. 

Mystifying Messages 

AAZZ, Ron. Georgio-Edwarni, Rumple. I can't wait to marry u. Love always, Brookie, Chicken 

AFFY. YOU ARE the lub ob my life. Thanks for being the beth hufbayan in the woyald. What tine da tennith finis? Lots of Lub Cowatty an the Lewsh 

AMELIE PROUD. A beautiful baby Angel currently under the loving guidance of Angels Mother Angela, Aunty Casey and Nanna Lesley 

ARTHUR (TAPPER). We know we dont' say it often enough but we really do LOVE YOU - Your 3 Joujoukes xxx 

ASHLEY I DIDNT SEND YOU A ROSE AS I KNEW IT WOULD FADE IN YOUR SHADOW LOVE DANIEL 

ATSOT W T M M Y E L A B PIZZA PIE (17 PRAWNS) T AMORE BIATCHS 

ANG, Whitney, Nurul, Rach n Erin. Happy Valentine's Day Me LOVE U all my Bitches Love Pru 

BUBBY You may sometimes annoy the crap out of me, but I couldn't live without your cheeky smile, your smelly farts and your bottom pinching 

BUNCHIE Bunchie. .bunch. .brunchie. .brunch. . 

CHOO BUNCHIE!!!! Love forever Cheeks xxxx 

BURGER-BOY My dearest Grill'd Patty - there's only you in my life, you're the one thing that's bright, my first love, your every breath I take, you're every step I make... you're juicy Patty.. your tasty buns, you're my endless love. Sorry to be so Cheesy 

CARMY - My 1940 Love Machine Endearing Love Always ..... Your 1938 R Rat 

COWATT how bout we go for a shnitzel tonight 

DANIELLE Happy Valentine's Day i love you heaps and heaps love your german sausage haha 

DEANNA My Chooky No Pong (Gwonji No Pong) Blue Bird.. We get marraged soon! Ululu 4 eva Dear John Anthony your a spunk, and I luv you, have a awesome day campdrafting! buggar ya but I luv ya. Kick some butt your wife Jois 

FATIMA My Portuguese love goddess. You ding my dong 

GARY H.A 78 GEORGE SHAGGER 15th Valentine's message 4 u. 8 years hitchen. Still luv getting dirty in da ditch wit u Hairy munkee wuvs you xxx HERMIE. You have showered me with your gifts and love since our first date at KFC J For my sex little chicken bum face. Happy Valentine's Day Piaow Piaow with you anytime baby. 

JACKIE your the most beautiful women I have ever meet especially whilst your pregnant 

JESS W.... Little Ghost in my Gothic loneliness I still dream old dreams of your wide child's eyes. A vision of unspeakable loveliness from a world lost. 

JORT - Hope you have a great day. Say hi to Laser. Look forward to our next SBS session 

KEZ, When you hold the Ozzie Open with balls going to and fro, you tend to make a racquet, when you are serving like a pro. A hard fought rally, with good stroke play, will end in deuce, at the end of play. Your second serve is a sensation. "My Ace", you deserved the standing ovation. Love-all, Mick's Doubles 

KRISTIAN My Scorpion. How could I ever be your real Sub zero

MA MAN - Sexy Cwordy. You big bully, you fink you good because you sexy. You gonna get it 

MALADY Chuck Norris is why Wally's hiding. You're not made of wood. Neither am I...... Safety 

MARK-WHITE I am Pot Committed. Me, you, Jack and Buddy are such a happy Force not even Edward could break through!

MCMOOSE No More Sorrys. Eye Wub Ewe Berry Muich - Maggot 

MY DARLING SEAHORSE I STILL LOVE YOU AND ALWAYS WILL. YOUR ARCTIC PUFFIN SNUFFLY-FACE! 6 words.. I neva wanna b apart again. Bet u $2, dis yr will be da best, chuck out da 

WREST! Luv ur guts infinaty toz ur looking fine in 09 TG!!! How about a safari sans tonies - I'll bring the rhino?? 

TO RED HEN Take a bottle of red to where the trains don't go then plant a yellwo rose and together we'll grow TRAIN me 2 CONDUCT myself B4 I fall off TRACK. I want 2 B in a BRN BNeath U, so let's go LOCO! ENJOY THE RIDE!! WOOMPF IM NUTS ABOUT U. I EVEN LOVE U MORE THAN MY ALE 

Sickening Nicknames 

Baby Girl
Bad-Girl
Batgirl
Booba
Boobsbear
Bumface
Cheesepuff
CheekyMonkey
Cheesy Doodie
Chicken-Lover
Chicken Nugget
Cookie Darling pooks
Duk Duk
Fat Boy
Fish Schnoz
Flower Boy
Fluffy
Fruitingle
Funny Chicken
Golly bug
Hairy Monster
Hot Coals Babe
Hubba Bubba Lava-Flow boy
Little baby duck
Little Nut Brown Hare
Littlemog
Miss Mt. Dandy my schnogims
Pee Pee Princess Chooch Bug Puddymonster
Pumpkin (x5000 like nobody's ever thought of that before.) 
Sexy sugar bum
Sweet cheeks
Sweet little chickon ur hot wog ur wombat
Wabsy
Your Makka Pakka Boof
your nawty girl
Your snausage 

Advertising Genius Section
Bottom of Page 46 - NOTHING SAYS I LOVE YOU LIKE A HUMMER BRITNEY I know now giving you the vacuum cleaning last year was not romantic. I have given a donation to Scope in your name to support people with disabilities. Tax deductible too! Am I forgiven? Love Zac www.scopevic.org.au

KATIE I know now giving you the vacuum cleaning last year was not romantic. I have given a donation to Scope in your name to support people with disabilities. Tax deductible too! Am I forgiven? Love Adam www.scopevic.org.au (Did you see what they did there? There's two more - would have cost them a bit.)

STIHL LOVINGLY YOURS To our devoted Stihl Stated and Territory Managers, words can't express how amazing the last few days have been. We're totally dedicated to each and everyone of you, seriously. You're all we could have ever hoped for. Forever yours - The Stihl Marketing Team 

Celebrity Action 

AL CAPONE. 80 Years Ago Today, You Took My Breath Away - Bugs Moran
ANDREW O'K. Please choose me and you can ride in my side car. Deal or No deal? - Julia NSW
DEAREST WILMA Unparalleled passion joins unmistakable laughter. Unrelenting ambitions meets unwavering faith. Love - Fred
MEATLOAF Do you love me, will you love me forever? As I will love you forever
ST. KILDA FOOTBALL CLUB Be my Valentine and win the '09 Premiership 

Special Tribute to Barb Dawson section
BARB DAWSON. Even if you are a Maggies fan, work is still the funnest with you around. Love Brent. GO BLUES!
BARB "SAUCY" DAWSON * Thanks for making work such a spicy event! You are a champ! Go Hawks Love - Nick 

Rotten Poetry
ADORED CHIMERA The clouds and veils have slipped away with time and all that remains is our love exposed... naked and radiant. More than ever. Sigh. The Accountant 

ANNIE G I fell in love right from the start. Right up to now you hold my heart. You're full of love, warmth and grace. You make the world a better place. You tried so hard to make me see. The much better person I could be. For so long you have been my wife. I hope I haven't lost you from my life. I can see it all so very clear. Things you thought I didn't hear. If feels you are so far away. Wish I could hold your hand today. As I tried to work things through. I realise how much I admire you. I will always love you. 

APRIL Let the sky shatter, The Earth split in two. What if she loved me, I could make it through 

BABG To my wife and darling Valentine. Remember all will turn out fine. I love you more and more each day Even though I'm turning grey. The years seem to be going so fast But my love for you will always last. There are time the kids and I often gloat, But not when we were on that bloody boat. My final thought to give you delight. If won't be long till your on that flight 

BECKY I love you as much As an Italian man loves a Ferrari. Computer nerd loves their Atari. Like a Portuguese sausage is spicy and hot. Me me dance the fire hydrant dance like a robot. Rainbows to a little cuddle puppy. Or a cafe latte is to a yuppy. A joke is to Russell Brand. Group to a Band. Quattro Digici to San Rocco. Tradie taking a smoko. A goofy mug to a Spandy 

BRENDEN You are my favourite ranga. I'm sorry if I sometimes harangue ya. Maybe for dinner I'll make you a salad sanga. And then afterwards... you'll let me do the dishes 

DELI CHICK Each day my love for you grows stronger, this I know is true. Can't wait to get my next 400 grams of meat from you 

GREG MCYUMMY Sorry for staring, can't stop thinking about you. I bet you have a good rbain, and a nice mid wicket too 

JUSTEN Angles come from Heaven. Princes from frogs. You make me so happy, Coz I'm your KELLOGGS xox :-) (Yes, they really did say Angles) 

KBILLY The sun made us all red The fijian water was blue the best wedding in the world was when I married you. 

LEEROY BROWN You're the icing on my cake You're my one pan dinner You're the pickle on my cheeseburger You're a bit of ALRIGHT! 

TERRY (HAIRY MONSTER Roses are red, violets are Blue About what happened in Thailand I'm still a bit cross with you. You could however, make it up to me If you went to Prada or Gucci. Amazingly though I still love you I don't know why but it's always true 

Pisstake Central
INTERNET, THANK you for such a beautiful relationship over the past 16 years... We love you! Internode
INTERNODE I love that you are naked, I love that you're extreme, I love it when I listen to your unmetered radio stream. I love that you support me. I love that you go fast. It's lal because of Internode that dialup's in the past! With all my love The Internet 

Stalkers Corner
ALBERT PARK BEACH BABE I met you last Sat after leaving the beach at the shop on Vic Ave. We said hello at the counter, Dior sunnies, H20 in hand and my fruit, then you vanished. Hoping to meet you again. 

BEACH BOY AMELIA. What's new pussycat? Happy Birthday for next week. I placed it in here as I thought there was more chance of you seeing it than on the day. It's been a few years and things in my life have made me think of you recently. I truly hope that you are very happy 

BRENDA from NYE I miss your kiss. How do I find u? I never got ur number. Frank xxx 

BRENT Jasinski .. I'm sorry that things have ended this way. Despite everything, I will always love you because you gave me th emost precious thing in this world, our son, Brodie. I hope one day we can be friends for his sake. Love - Sarah xx 

BRIAN H Call me if you can.. One of these days 

BUTTNS. I miss you. It's so hard to contact or see you. Love - The Gov xxx 

C, My hands miss you, too. I often wonder how your life worked out. Find me on Facebook 

CAROLINE 'LITTLE ONE' I love you and miss you morning, noon and night even when I ride my bike I hope that one day soon you might see that I am still Mr. Right your personal shinning Knight I made some errors and at times I was a terror but know this as true it was because of my love for you. When I do things without you its not the same and that's a big shame - being with you is simply the best - I fell in love with you when we first met. I love you now and will love you for eternity Please find out all the facts and truth so I can shout I love you from the top of roof Forgive me Little One I simply adore a love you<.i> 

CHIKOO, I miss u, ur my heart and soul. I'm incomplete withouy u. ur happiness is more important

CHRISTIAN You fix all the broken and sick ponies. You are so serious, so gorgeous and sometimes so grumpy. Have you even noticed me? Will you ever call? Or will I always be your secret admirer 

DAN Met you 3 weeks ago would love to see you again. Happy Valentine's Day - Mads. 

DANIELA met you at Provincial Fri 2nd Jan, the ph no. is wrong. If it was an error and you're interested be outside your locat this wed 18th @ 7pm for the special palma night :-) 

EMMA Dedicate "Always" by Bon Jovi . Had time to think since Oct. 16 when we were last together. Deeply sorry, miss you 

EMMA IN my 39yrs, the greatest moment was meeting you, the worst moment was losing you. I promise never ever to hurt you, only to love you with all that I have. One chance is all I need, to prove myself to you and your entire family. I want my forever with you. I'm sorry it's taken me 9yrs to realise that you are my REAL THING. With every day that passes, that's one less day I have with you. Trust your heart, trust our love, bust most of all, trust me. I LOVE YOU GIRAFFE you are my everything, can we pretty please get back together? Love monkey xxx 

HENRY B You're better now, wrong drugs they gave you Oct. Made you do stupid crazy things. Not your fault. I forgive you. Should have told her, should have told friends. So full of life. Now full of sadness 

JODIE W In the year 2000 you turned my world upside town! I grew real close to you, but you broke my heart when you went overseas. My feelings were genuine and it hurt the most when you didn't believe me. I haven't seen you since, but I still think of you. You are and will always be unforgettable 

MY 'Holden (V8) Man' My 'Precious Pain'! HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY Sorry by one million for what happened 23 years ago (28.01.1986) to be precise! I told you I would be back, 'cos as I told you on that day, I will never love another the way 'I LOVE YOU!' One day in the future (hopefully before dementia, senility or death, and in this lifetime???) I shall whisk you away overseas to 'Paris' (Mile High Club??? if we're not too old!) and MARRY YOU!! I shall then get drunk with delight with you at my side FOREVER. See you then, talk soon??? - 'Ford (V8) Girl' xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxo :) P.S - I am ready to answer those 2 or 3 questions you have for me 

SUSAN H Seat 1C JQ166 11 Feb. Can not stop thinking of you. Love to hear from you 

TAMMY I'm very sorry for everything. I hope we'll be friends again someday 

Just Plain Creepy 

A My son, my sweetheart, my world. You may be one expensive little model, but I cherish every moment. With your beautiful nature and that charismatic way. Just gorgeous. Love always - Mum 

BARRY M - aka Daddy. Today Tomorrow Forever all my love. YER. Your Wife Kim xoxo

BOOMBI MASTER wishes you a happy Valentine's Day. I love you and want you. Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! 

HUSSLER. Hope you get a hole in one and enjoy your weekend playing golf 

MERRYN Dear Mum, I hope you like this. I love you and I want a smoochy woochy 

STUDY I've loved you from 'that moment' in the shower 

And that, my friends, is that. Good luck in getting a leg over to celebrate the day.

Kommerical Korner

I can't be the only person confused and distressed by the ad currently being shown with Michael Clarke and Pat Rafter. 

1) Why does Clarke have to drop the strides and catch the ball in the old reg grundies? Why doesn't he just catch it in his hands? 

 2) Wouldn't a tennis ball falling from height and landing straight in your jatz crackers cause some sort of discomfort? 

Are they suggesting that 'Pup' is not delivering a substantial package to Ms. Lara Bingle? Is this the image he wants to project to the nation? No wonder she went for a session with Fevola.

Low moments in station promotions

You can't control the weather, but you've got to have some sympathy for the poor bastard on 3AW today trying to pump up an outside broadcast at a supermarket on the hottest day EVER. Sample moment: *Caller* - "There are fires 2km from my house. Everything's going horribly wrong" etc... *Host* - "My god that's awful. Good luck. And now over to Tom at Ritchie's IGA in Yarra Glen!" *Tom* - "We're about to do another barrel draw here, and the lucky winner of $250 of shopping vouchers is Doris of Mt. Evelyn!" *Much applause*. Bit insensitive.

So You Think You Can Dance - Kew

Ladies and gentlemen, I present a photo essay of your newest cult hero. Here, in all his glory is the Dancing Man of Kew Junction. There he stood at the traffic lights doing exercise like manoevures for an hour. Every time a car honked the horn a look of glee came across his face. Heartwarming or something. Fking amusing is what I'd call it. Later he came into the pub and proudly announced, hat and all, that he was a Melbourne fan. Explains why he's lost the plot I suppose. UPDATE - Turns out he's actually massively famous and has a 3500 person Farcebook group dedicated to him. Shows what I know about Slop Culture.

Random Conversations

Random Woman: "Hi, I sing songs about grand slam tennis winners" Me: "Ok, let's hear one" *song about Serena Williams* Me: "That's great. Do you have one about Sergi Bruguera? *song about Andy Roddick* I didn't dare point out that Bruguera won more Grand Slam tournaments than Roddick lest she punch me in the face.

Operating Thetan Level 1944

I don't want to second guess Tom Cruise, especially when he's got freaky alien superheroes on his side. And I may be the only person alive who thinks Days of Thunder was good (come on, his name is Dick Trickle and Nicole Kidman is a 23-year-old brain surgeon!), but I can't understand how Valkyrie can be described as an "edge of the seat thriller" about somebody trying to top Hitler. Unless they're rewriting history I think we know where it's heading.

Boring story enlivened by fun photo

Who hasn't been arrested for a sex romp in this day and age? 

RANDY reveller Emma M******e repeatedly performed sex acts on her boyfriend in the street in front of dozens of appalled passers-by.

The 26-year-old landed herself in court for the despicable act which was captured on CCTV.

Modrate performed the act three times on her boyfriend Liam D******ty outside Yates’ pub in Durham city centre in front of outraged onlookers.

At one stage a tramp stood behind the couple and chatted to Dougherty while the act was being carried out, Durham Crown Court heard.

Hmm... Despicable act? Was there a poodle involved?

TSP's All-Time 100 Greatest Music Videos

Not the best. Nobody's claiming that. In fact there's some epic slop contained within, but it's epic slop that requires multiple viewings just to confirm that you really are watching it and not just living in some comedy goldmine dream. There's about 40 more that were on my shortlist but I couldn't find a place for. Your suggestions on any undiscovered gold welcome in the comments. 100 - Technotronic - Megamix Chock full of Ya Kid K, Felly and people in bike shorts. Reminds me of being nine years old all over again. In these tough economic times only Technotronic, or perhaps the C&C Music Factory, can save us. 99 - No Doubt - It's My Life Witness Gwen Stefani at her all time second hottest (more on the winner later) murdering her bandmates, attacking a judge and being dragged to the gas chamber. All good clean family fun there. 98 - Phoenix - Too Young French pop aboard a fishing trawler. Always have a second job in case you don't make it in the music industry. 97 - PM Dawn - Gotta Be Movin' On Up The video that made one of the worst films of all time look like it was worth watching. I remember this having an awesome run on Video Hits for a month despite the single only scraping the top 40. 96 - Johnny Cash - Chicken In Black The gigantic career trough that Cash hit in the 80's might have been painful for Johnny, his fans and his accountant but at least it produced this video. Kountry fried komedy! 95 - Nik Kershaw - Wouldn't It Be Good Kersh, synths and a chromakey suit. What else do you need? Other than having him on a flat-bed truck touring drought ridden Australia to lift the spirits of farmers I can't think of anything. 94 - The Prodigy - Smack My Bitch Up A POV trip through the night of an off-chops clubber who turns out to be... Oh as if you haven't seen this before. 93 - Electric Six - Gay Bar The video that suggested Abraham Lincoln was running an all-male 'club' in the White House, and that gerbils were somehow involved. Despite this all making it past the censors they obscure the term "nuclear war" instead in a bizarre attempt to be wacky. This isn't the last we'll see in this countdown from this particular Electric Six album. 92 - Weezer - Buddy Holly Don't hate it just because it was, for some reason, included as part of Windows 95. Love it because it's a centimetre perfect piss-take of Happy Days, made to look as if it was taking place on the show but featuring the opening line "What's with these homies dissing my girl". Comes Ritchie Cunningham approved. 91 - Duran Duran - Hungry Like The Wolf Simon LeBon on the pissfart in Sri Lanka. Part of an insane run of expensive videos recorded before teenage girls grew up and everyone else lost interest. 90 - Notorious BIG - Mo Money, Mo Problems A video clip and golf tournament rolled into one. Released posthumously after Biggie was shot dead (and how come it's always Tupac that supposedly lived?) this pre-dated Tiger Woods' first major win by a year but provided us with the one and only because of video evidence of Puff Daddy sinking a birdie putt. 89 - Eddy Huntington - USSR Italo Eddie, English superstud is unable to film his video due to constant female interference. Must have been a terrible lifestyle. Even while doing earnest, hands on headphones singing in the studio he can't concentrate for groupies jumping in front of the window. On this video alone he should have been a superstar. 88 - Sylvia Night - Congratulations Iceland's entrant in the Eurovision song contest mocks the likes of Britney and Paris and shows just how a novelty video should be done. 87 - Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five - The Message Badly dressed urban poetry which finishes like any good rap video should, with the cops showing up and arresting everyone. 86 - Kate Bush - Wuthering Heights The more popular Bush prances around a field doing ethereal things and wailing about a book that nobody has read since 1902. 85 - The Gap Band - You Dropped A Bomb On Me Moderately camp. No, wait.. extremely camp. 84 - Madonna - Material Girl Madge does her best Marilyn and a shonky storyline featuring a creepy beardo ensues. 83 - Chicago Bears Shufflin' Crew - Super Bowl Shuffle There's nothing like untrained singers with a microphone. Especially if they're 300lb linebackers who can barely string a sentence together as it is. The star turn is by quarterback Jim McMahon. Apparently they filmed this the week before the Superbowl, which would have made it even better had they lost the game. Sadly they won and we're spared the most expensive blooper reel in history but there's still more than enough here to keep you amused through multiple viewings. Interesting, for a team who were a week away from the game of their lives none of them look particuarly sober. At least they could play football better than they could dance. 82 - Princess Superstar - Bad Babysitter Morally questionable antics of an allegedly 15-year-old babysitter who looks about 40 and spends four minutes tormenting a poor allegedly Jewish ginger child and blowing random guys in the shower. 81 - The Fall - Kicker Conspiracy Mark E Smith, the greatest lunatic of the 20th century, ranting on the state of British football in 1983 at Turf Moor, home of Burnley. Bonus points for terrible miming in the visitors dugout while puffing on a ciggy. Angry, angry young man. 80 - Twisted Sister - We're Not Gonna Take It The video that celebrated domestic abuse. Where, in a watershed moment in American history, a gigantic transvestite with shoulderpads that Maggie Taberer wouldn't have been seen dead in is declared the winner of a moral argument. Role of strict disciplinarian father provided by one of the noted tightarses from National Lampoon's Animal House in a fine piece of casting. I always wondered just what sort of a flogging that guy would have dished out to the kind once the clip was over. It's fine to disrespect your mentally unstable father when Twisted Sister are there to protect you, but once they're gone who's going to save you from Bing Crosby-esque beatings with lumps of coal in a sock? And kids, that's why you should never side with a cross-dresser over your own father. 79 - Adam And The Ants - Ant Music An otherwise unremarkable clip saved by the image of somebody pulling the biggest electrical plug EVER out of the wall when he sings about unplugging the jukebox. 78 - PIL - Rise The former Johnny Rotten, now trading as Lydon, does angry and bug-eyed as elderly homeless people beat rugs and play chess. Strange imagery for a song about South African police interrogation methods in the 1980's, but effective nonetheless. 77 - The Teenagers - Homecoming The filthiest and most morally bankrupt song of all time is offset with a bunch of teenagers (see what they did there?) pillow fighting and eating cupcakes. Sweet and sleaze played off perfectly in a video that probably cost $500 to make. 76 - Dr. Dre - Fuck Wit Dre Day The soon to be late Eazy-E ruthlessly parodied by his former bandmate and a ridiculously young Snoop Dogg. Alas, very little was resolved before the E caught the HIV (now I'm a rapper) a couple of years later and passed away. 75 - Talking Heads - Once In A Lifetime David Byrne in "off his nut" shock horror. As covered by David Boon on the Late Show. 74 - Pulp - Common People Jarvis in a shopping trolley. Enough said. 73 - The Libertines - Up The Bracket The permanently off-chops Pete Doherty and bandmates wandering down an alleyway then dressing up the Beatles and encouraging one of the women present to do the wildest nonsensical robotic dancing ever. Actually all dancing is nonsensical if you think about it. Warning: somebody in this clip may very well have been under the influence. 72 - Eminem - My Name Is The track and video that saved white rap eight years after the horror of Vanilla Ice. 71 - Robbie Williams - Supreme Robbie joins the 1970's Formula One circuit. Perfectly made to look retro. It's one thing to rip your skin off and throw your liver at a rollerskater like the in the Rock DJ video, but it's another to make us believe that you could possibly have lined up on the grid next to Jackie Stewart despite having spent the previous decade doing drugs. 70 - Phatts and Small - Turn Around Shiny jacketed DJ'ing in a record store. Memorable. 69 - Air - Kelly Watch The Stars Probably the only video ever to feature a ladies table tennis match. Much less one where the scores go up and down in a non-sensical fashion. 68 - Lionel Ritchie - Hello Ludicrously overblown, and therefore hillarious, clip for the ultimate power ballad wherein Lionel takes an unhealthy interest in a blind teenage girl only for her to somehow have visions of him and sculpt the most unconvincing likeness of all time. 67 - Night Ranger - Sister Christian Fantastically over the top power balladry. Strangely enough while the song is all about the girl 'waiting', the video seems to indicate that she's trying to bonk the entire band. 66 - Rammstein - Ich Wil Germans in bank heist fiasco. Doesn't end in glory. 65 - Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit Perhaps it's just urban myth that the crowd weren't supposed to go as apeshit as they did, but it certainly helped the atmosphere. Made you want to jump around like a goose in 1991. 64 - Pulp - This Is Hardcore 1950's movie pastiche for cruelly underrated career highlight. 63 - ABC - The Look of Love One of the most knowingly silly videos ever. From the band dressed like 1930's dandies, to flying nuns, ballerinas and a man eating spaghetti that turns out to be an electrical plug it's got all sorts of shenanigans. At least I hope it's not meant to be serious... Highlight is undoubtedly when Martin Fry is attacked by the puppet alligator and starts fighting with it. 62 - Michael Jackson - Billie Jean Many would have Thriller, but all that zombie bullshit pales into comparison when you put it up against the sidewalk which lights up when he walks down it. If Robert Doyle wants to make Melbourne friendly again the first thing he should do is replace the length of Swanston Street with a light-up musical sidewalk that plays this track. 61 - Leonard Cohen - Closing Time Where the grumpiest man in the world surrounds himself with flying chairs and attractive young ladies and finally cracks a smile for the first time in 40 years. 60 - Electric Six - Danger! High Voltage Knowingly odd, featuring glowing elderly 'bits'. 59 - Chas and Dave - Snooker Loopy Utter stupidity about the hidden traits and talents of otherwise dull snooker players. Eminently watchable just for the cringe and/or drunken music hall singalong factor. Could be covered and adapted to pretty much any sport ("Footy loops nuts are we?" Cue the big Fev and Buddy Franklin pissing about) but alas remains on the novelty track scrapheap. 58 - Elastica - Car Song To say I had the hots for Justine and Donna in this video when I was 14 would be a significant understatement. 57 - The Smiths - Stop Me If You've Heard This One Before With Johnny Marr already having pulled the pin and The Smiths breaking up around him, Morrissey leads a cast of Mozalikes on a quick bike tour of Manchester landmarks. Complete lack of helmets or safety gear an oversight rather than a mid 80's emo attemped suicide and cry for help. The last great hurrah of The Smiths, and part of an amazing hot-streak that he rode through the start of his solo career until the frankly average Kill Uncle album. 56 - Howard Jones - I'd Like To Get To Know You Well Once seen very few forget the sight of Howard dressed in what basically amounted to a pirate costume, wandering around London shaking hands with bemused tourists. Everyone loves this video, even if they're not always sure why. 55 - Murray Head - One Night In Bangkok Hands up if you've actually seen Chess: The Musical.. I don't think it even really exists, just some joke cooked up by the guys from Abba to get this track into the charts. The track itself is fine, but Murray's distainful comments about the city are so much more interesting when you can see him do his "spiteful" facial expression at the same time. That's what you get when you have an actor singing your song - the voice might be all over the shop but the mood is spot on. Pay special attention to the producers startling refusal to hire any actual Asians to play the citizens of Bangkok. The black guy isn't fooling anyone, and the other bloke seems to be a white man with some dirt on his face and off-lighting. Track, and video, surprisingly underutilised during recent Thai political crisis. Where was the "One Week in Bangkok Airport" parody by a stranded traveller? It's not like there's anything else to do in Bangkok to pass your time is there? 54 - Diamond Rio - It's All In Your Head The future president of the USA causes a child to end up in a mental institution. For those are into that sort of thing the lead singer sports the best 80's mullet outside B. Ray Cyrus territory. 53 - Milli Vanilli - Baby Don't Forget My Number Pay close attention to the start of this video. Is it just me or do they both very consciously wipe their noses as if to indicate that they have just hoovered up a truckload of gear? Or did they roll the notes up and have somebody else snort it all Boom boom. Also notable for the ridiculous storyline about a phone number flying out the window, a mystifying cutaway of Prince Charles and Lady Di and the sheer amount of bikeshorts and lycra on offer. 52 - Falco and Brigitte Nielsen - Body Next To Body In 1987 Austria's most famous (only?) pop star teamed up with Denmark/the world's then hottest woman. Ridiculously large sunglasses, a tuxedo, bleach blonde hair, tunnels full of groping freaks and a wrestling ring seemingly constructed from chains. In later years she would turn into a sad old bag lady, reduced to cavorting with Flavor Flav on reality television programs. Let us remember her for this and for, oh my god, Rocky IV not for the cavortions with a clock wearing midget on VH1. 51 - Suede - Animal Nitrate Tower block sexual shenanigans featuring cross dressers and Brett Anderson when he was worth jumping the fence for. 50 - Ol' Dirty Bastard - Got Your Money The late ODB's predictably insane mixture of music video and blacksplotiation movies with help from a pre-fame Kelis. Had his own troubles with "the man" and did an impromptu speech at the Grammy awards - well, wouldn't you be pissed if you'd just lost to Shawn Colvin - before, err, dying. Colvin's career is going just as well. 49 - The Strokes - Someday A day in the life of the band who, at the time, were the future of rock. Foul looking food, alcohol, a random meeting with Slash, pinball and watching South Korea knock Italy out of the 2002 World Cup are covered. Then it's off to the set of Family Feud - hosted by Al freaking Borland from Home Improvement - for a game show smackdown with the infinately less successful Guided By Voices. 48 - Cake - Short Skirt, Long Jacket Even if, like me, you refuse to believe that the 'unsolicited' testimonials for the song from randoms in the street are real it's still a great angle. 47 - The Housemartins - Happy Hour The world's most twee band produce the world's most twee video. Witness a young Norman "Fatboy Slim" Cook poncing down the street and into his local for some clay-mation, darts and a few pints of.. err orange juice. Well, they were christians after all. Post split one of them would very christianly attack his business partner with an axe and end up in jail. At the time, though, they were the band least likely to pick up groupies. 46 - Mi-Sex - Computer Games Still popular for the vision of Atari 2600 - or worse - games running wild in the background as the band present the vision of a future where everyone spent their lives playing Wizard of Wor. The most sinister personal ad I ever saw was a lady who was desperate to meet somebody who looked like the lead singer of Mi-Sex. This was shortly after he died in a car crash. You don't think it was his wife do you? 45 - Nada Surf - Popular The teacher yelled at his staff, a million teenage nerd girls fell in love and nobody ever heard of the band again. Note none too subtle homoerotic overtones in the shower scene. 44 - TISM - Thunderbirds Are Coming Out An endless succession of Melbourne bands you never heard of, and a school orchestra, are dragged out to the sing the track before TISM show up with a second left. Beautiful. 43 - Gwen Stefani - What You Waiting For An 8 minute epic of doctor surgeries, bizarre Japanese girls and Alice in Wonderland shenanigans. 42 - Warrick Capper - I Only Take What's Mine Right up there in the worst song/worst video of all time charts. I could watch this on a loop for 24 hours and never get bored. 41 - Divinyls - I Touch Myself Where Chrissie Amphlett, for so long seen piss farting around dressed as a schoolgirl like the female equivalent of him from AC/DC, officially became the first ever MILF. 40 - Def Leppard - Pour Some Sugar On Me Butch female builders attempt to destroy house containing one armed drummer and lead singer with an Armadillo stuffed down his strides. 39 - B52's - Rock Lobster Pure and simple madness on an epic scale. I don't think it's unfair to suggest that every single person in this clip is well and truly off their nut. 38 - The Cardigans - My Favourite Game Intense highway driving in the desert by a blonde Swedish woman. When they play this on TV you never see the fact that she's actually put a brick on the accelerator, or that she's veering from lane to lane and causing cars to fly off the road left, right and centre. In fact once you remove the automobile carnage I'm not sure how they came up with another version of the clip. Other video masterstrokes include the fake tattoo wearing off on the seat, and the bandages on her arm. What was wrong with her in the first place? We'll never know. Ends memorably with one of the few attempted suicides in the history of music video, just as the radio announces the Cardigans latest single. Naturally it doesn't pan out and they almost ruin the whole thing with a corny joke. 37 - The Smiths - This Charming Man The notoriously video shy Moz swings flowers around in a small white room and millions fall in love. 36 - Beastie Boys - Body Movin' EPIC pissfarting around. Would be a great video even if you muted the song. Features the best sword fight in music history. 35 - Louis XIV - Paper Doll Suicide Girls. Topless. Enough said. NSFW unless you work at a titty bar. 34 - The Pretenders - Brass In Pocket Chrissie Hynde as a waitress attempts to pick her band up with varying results. Notable chiefly for the great moment when it says "special" and the band all hold up menus with SPECIAL written on them. 33 - Frankie Goes To Hollywood - Two Tribes The leaders of the world's two great superpowers duke it out in a mud wrestling pit while Holly Johnson, the man who just a few months before was enjoying a full scale orgy in the Relax video, does commentary like an early version of the reporter from the Iron Chef. In the end everyone dies. 32 - The Rentals - Friends Of P Fake 80's Russian shenanigans. Probably the best budget/entertainment ratio in history. 31 - Hall And Oates - Private Eyes Fake detective shenanigans, and that wily minx Oates trying to get you to look into his eyes a'la Barney from How I Met Your Mother. 30 - KLF and Tammy Wynette - Justified and Ancient Tammy Wynette, country music legend, is somehow roped into playing the Queen of Mu-mu land in a video and singing about the KLF driving an ice-cream van. Stay around for the rap at the end (not performed by Tammy sadly) which is effectively all about ice cream. Make mine a 99 indeed. Somehow managed to reinvigorate Tammy's otherwise finished career. 29 - The Skatt Brothers - Life At The Outpost Late 70's Canadian attempt at doing butch disco, but actually ending up looking like leather night at an all-male sauna. Attempts to sex it up by having a skanky barmaid riding a mechanical bull aren't convincing anyone. Shirts are clearly in short supply at the outpost. Look closely towards the end for the shot of the guy who looks terrified, as if they've drugged and abducted him to be in the video. 28 - The Jacksons - Can You Feel It Possibly the last time they were all seen in a room together without lawyers, and before Michael's face started to fall off, this is off the charts. Even with the pissy spoken word intro to the clip this is like being present for the second coming of Jesus. Waterfalls, stars, fire, water, lasers and gold jumpsuits. No wonder Star City ripped off the clip lock, stock and barrel for their ads a few years back. 27 - Madonna - Justify My Love The highpoint of Madge's sleaze period. The only person she doesn't cop off with in this video is the viewer, and I've always found that a massive disappointment. She then proceeded to get cold feet about the whole "norgs akimbo" thing and started pumping out babies instead. 26 - Radiohead - Paranoid Android The song? Hate it with a passion. The video? Pure genius. The characters are from a show called (I think.. ) Robin and Friends which used to be watched by nobody but me SBS of a Saturday night. Six minutes of shenanigans. 25 - Stardust - Music Sounds Better With You One off French video insanity to accompany the greatest dance track of all time. Child constucts glider while watching ever changing fake pop charts on TV and showing an unnatural interest in Samanthra's "Sex On The Beach" but less so in the Boogie Brotherz smash #1 "Inferno". Eventually Stardust go to number one - and rightly fucking so - causing conditions that allow the kid to lob the glider into the clouds where it's caught by... Stardust. Doing exactly the same as their #1 video. 24 - Stevie Nicks - I Can't Wait So ridiculously over the top and 80's that it's impossible not to love. And even though she's dressed like a baglady throughout Stevie is kind of cute in it. Somewhere in the outer suburbs there is surely an over 28's club where the women still dress like this, and I would have to say I support it. 23 - Albert One - Turbo Diesel Italo disco 'smash' (i.e - nobody has ever heard of it) featuring a fat man in a car that falls apart gradually throughout the clip. A beautiful woman sits around next to a terrible looking one, both bored out of their brains while fat porky tries to work out what's wrong with his Italian flag adorned vehicle. What's wrong with is that there's a very obviously attached rope that's pulling bits of it off. Barmy. 22 - No Doubt - Simple Kind Of Life Depressive Stefani has a nervous breakdown about not being married and having kids. Breaks up with her entire band and destroys a room full of wedding cakes during the course of the song. Sports a pink ultra-perm and wedding dress combo which almost made me fall off my seat the first time I saw the clip - which wasn't often given that this got to about number 437 on the ARIA charts. Eventually she gets her wish for a kid by finding some black child in the street and just nicking it in a legally dubious fashion. 21 - Pat Benetar - Love Is A Battlefield I'll never get over the fact that my scholarly analysis of this video, which proved beyond any doubt that Pat had to leave home because she had seduced her younger brother, was lost in the great TSP Towers archive destruction of '08. Contains so many great moments that it's hard to list them. Having said that, the dance off with the pimp is the undoubted highlight of the clip. 20 - Sid Vicious - My Way In which the tone deaf Pistol does a proto-karaoke tuneless run through the Sinatra standard with amusingly altered lyrics before flipping out and shooting the audience. 19 - Radiohead - Just The most overrated band of all time somehow deliver one of the great clips, for one of their handful of listenable songs. Man lies on the sidewalk and refuses to move. Eventually explains why to a crowd of onlookers who decided that he's got the right idea and join him. Unfortunately Thom Yorke et al are watching this from an upstairs window, and instead of them lying down as well we're subjected to Kid A and OK Computer instead. 18 - Van Halen - Hot For Teacher A video with it all. Tormented nerd children called Waldo, David Lee Roth as the best damn bus driver ever and a school where, for some unknown reason, the kids are treated to daily bikini shows by people with names like "Miss Phys Ed". As an episode of Pop Up Video once pointed out there were adults present to make sure that none of the kids was exploited, but nobody was there to make sure the girls involved weren't. At 2.20 the dance routine of the millenium begins. 17 - Vanilla Ice - Ice Ice Baby So many iconic moments, so many unconvincing attempts to make the man his mother calls Robert Van Winkle (*snort*) look 'street'. The dance, the clothes, seductive tonguing of ice cream. The kids now just wouldn't understand. Hillariously Ice Van Winkle denied that he'd lifted the opening from Under Pressure and instead claimed that he'd independantly come up with something that sounded identical. 16 - TISM - Greg! The Stop Sign! Surely the first and last video to be filmed predominantly at Moorabbin Oval. Definately the last clip which will ever feature a Wakelin brother, Josh Kitchen (who!?) and various other players riding exercise bikes and hitting punching bags. Then there's a dog eating.. Well I wouldn't want to ruin it for you. Watch for the choreographed handball drill. 15 - Public Enemy - 911 Is A Joke Flavor Flav let loose with riotous consequences. Highlights include the New Flavor Dance, Original Recipe Flavor and a purple raincoat/jumpsuit. Witness Flav scaring the shit out of two kids at about 2.49 before rising from the dead. One of the few great comedy moments from a band that took itself far too seriously. 14 - Nirvana - Heartshaped Box Clearly the most sinister thing ever committed to tape by major recording artists. No surprise he topped himself a few months later. 13 - Jane's Addiction - Been Caught Stealing The song which encourage you to nick things, featuring a video chock full of fat men cross-dressing and shoving things up their skirt. Not to mention Perry Farrell with a stocking over his head. 12 - Beastie Boys - Sabotage The greatest TV cop show that never was. 11 - Pulp - Bad Cover Version Not only are a cast of celebrity lookalikes dragged to appear in the video, but they actually sing it in character as well. The last, commercially unsound hoorah, of a band who spent three times as much time being unpopular than they did selling records. 10 - Beck - Sexx Laws Easily the funniest thing Jack Black has ever done, even if every version of the clip on the net cuts his classic speech at the end of the clip in half. Humping washing machines, shagging cans of Spam (or SMEAT if you prefer) and a zebra on banjo. What else do you want? I want the full speech at the end where he yells "I PICKED COTTON!" that's what I want. "Empty wallets, empty parking lots. That's not my style" etc.. 9 - Fleetwood Mac - Tusk Sheer insanity in a football stadium. In a piece of wild post modernism it's shot as a making of video of... itself. The first 2.35 show how they got to.. the last twenty seconds. Great concept, cocaine is a hell of a drug. Features various members of the band completely off their chops, dancing, drinking and presumably sniffing a lot. The look on Stevie Nicks' face at 1.06 when she turns around and realises there's a camera pointing at her is priceless. The longer version of the clip even has credits. More insanity! 8 - The Village People - Sex Over The Phone Officially the most unintentionally hillarious thing ever recorded. In a desperate, last ditch, post-HIV attempt at relevance the Peeps release a track encouraging you to keep your shagging safe and only do it on a landline. To illustrate this they cartwheel through four minutes of homo-erotic shenanigans, awful acting and dancing that will make you want to cut your legs off with a chainsaw. The track, and video, are surely crying out to be covered as part of a mobile phone ad. 7 - Bob Dylan - Subterranean Homesick Blues Not a deliberate music video as such, but the clip that made it all possible. 6 - Joey Negro - Make A Move On Me A young man is tortured by sadistic scientists in a lab where everything including the pencils are helpfully labelled. Every time he picks a girl as his favourite object he's given the big electric shock. Eventually he learns not to pick the girl, then they start only giving him girls as options. Eventually turns into an all-star electro fest where he starts shooting bolts of lightning out of his hands in the general direction of the ladies bits. Like a smarter version of those Eric Prydz and Benny Benassi videos from the same era which offered us little more than jiggling norgs. 5 - Judas Priest - Breaking The Law So much crime, and so many questions to be answered from just 2.35 of actual clip. How do you rob a bank with an electric guitar? Why bring the drum kit with you as well if you're trying to get away? What sort of self-respecting bank has bars that can be ripped open like spaghetti? Why did they have to steal their own gold records? And how great a moment is it when the security decides that he can't be stuffed catching the crooks and plays the riff on a cardboard guitar instead. 1980's finest. 4 - Electric Six - Dance Commander Simultaneous house destruction and clips of a comedy general cracking onto chicks. The most manic lead performance in video history. 3 - TISM - Whatareya? TISM guest start on Aerobics Oz Style, but quickly tired of the fitness antics, drag out a catch, rip open a tinnie and start watching the footy instead. Chaos ensues when the fitness instructor spills somebody's beer in the last few seconds and gets the shit kicked through him.. while the rest of the aerobics troupe continue their routine. Spectacular anarchy. 2 - Yo La Tengo - Sugarcube The ultimate pisstake of the music industry. Watch the world's most non-commercial band attempt to learn to be rock stars. Madness and comedy ensues, but still nobody buys the albums. 1 - Cibo Matto - Know Your Chicken Undoubtedly the greatest achievement in music video history. A completely incomprehensible story about chickens, with lyrics allegedly sung in english, is enlivened by the helpfully labelled story of a man, woman and chicken. Man brings chicken home and it takes over his house, before ending up as dinner. Features an advertisement halfway through for Ezekial Kinkade's International House of Chicken - a business name which I fully intend to steal one day. After destroying some comedy power lines the chicken eventually goes to heaven and everyone's happy. Breathtaking. UPDATE - I knew I'd forget something. How could I leave out the ASBO wet dream that is Shampoo's Bouffant Headbutt.. UPDATE 2.0 - I shall keep adding here as the classics mount up; Alcazar - Crying at the Discotheque Men Without Hats - Safety Dance No More Kings - Sweep The Leg Johnny

Censor Baiting 101

Naming a greyhound is a difficult process. You have to submit a list of names in order of preference and you'll get the one they choose. Chickem Assassin? Well, that was our first choice but after 2 places in 11 starts you may as well call it PET FOOD. 

Anyway, the racing authorities accidentally let this one through. Race 1, number 1 at Nowra today...  

Unfortunately, it was unplaced. Beaten a good 5 lengths by Dirty Sanchez, Cleveland Steamer and Kennebunkport Surprise. 

Also good to see that John Deeks was too busy lobbying for the return of the New Price Is Right or Press Your Luck to bother showing up on the day.

This Sporting Life

TSP's primer to five sports, and sporting events that you might want to fake an interest in - and how to get away with it. 1. Tennis When: A sport that runs wild during the Australian Open in January and occasionally rears it's ugly head around the Grand Slams and if Australia is doing well in the Davis Cup. If we're doing well in the Fed Cup well... well let's be honest that's never going to happen. The first you'll notice is that suddenly there's wall to wall tennis on the television. Suddenly Fox Sports and Channel 9, the only networks to take any sort of interest in the sport through the rest of the year are given the arse and the ABC and Channel Seven are roped in. Out goes the world's greatest commentator Fiery Fred Stolle and in comes Karen Tighe for her 20th straight year of covering the Hopman Cup. After what seems like a lifetime, and often is, we get to the Australian Open and suddenly the entire city loves tennis. Faces are painted, novelty giant tennis balls ($25 to you) are waved around and suddenly the world revolves around what Radek Stepanek is doing on Court 72 (which is somewhere near the carpark I think). For the first three days everyone hangs on the results of the Australian players, and after 90% of them have been knocked out the focus goes onto one hapless bastard who is expected to what nobody has done - so they tell us every twelve seconds - since Mark Edmonson in like 1874 when they played tennis on lava. Inevitably they never do, though Hewitt enjoys teasing the nation before bombing out every year. Remember the year he was about to serve in the semi-final and the Australian Day fireworks went off causing him to have a tantrum? Now that's entertainment. Backed by non-stop advertising during the television coverage, the courts of Australia are jam packed for the next two weeks with people who swing racquets like they're baseball bats and wonder when they stopped making them out of wood. People all over the country vow to learn how to play, spend $200 on a stick/bat/paddle and then throw it in the cupboard when they lose interest after attempting to jump the net in victory a'la 1972 and breaking their collarbone. So after two weeks of rapidly diminishing interest in weather that seems to be either 45 degrees or pissing down with rain it comes to an end on a Sunday night and everyone goes back to sports they actually enjoy, rather than ones that give them an excuse to take a day off work. Non-ball related interest has risen in the last two years with a series of upskirtings and an ethnic riot. Last year we were also treated to the worst capscium spraying of all time. Watch closely, if the woman who sprayed the fans ran away any quicker she would have been nicked by a speed camera. Cue hundreds of talkback callers having a cry about those evil foreigners stealing their gentile sport away from them. Fun fact: When I was 15 and went to the open some kid asked me for my autograph thinking I was a player. I hope he's looking after that, because it'll be worth a million. Either that or like everyone else who clamours for the signatures of the stars after matches it was thrown away twenty minutes later. What they say: "I'd love it if our little Lleyton finally won one here, or if the Aussie girls would do well. The scud is looking dangerous in his comeback too" What to say: "Of course the South Americans will never do well here. Their domain is on the clay of Roland Garros. How many Australian Opens did Andres Gomez win anyway? What not to say: "Why yes officer, that is a camera attached to the end of my shoe" 2. Sailing When: From Boxing Day until the first boat crosses the line at Constitution Dock in Hobart. I've been to that dock and it smelt like shite. I'm not quite sure if this does qualify as a bandwagon sport because despite the hundreds of hours of television and radio coverage and newspaper column inches spent covering it I'm not sure anybody really gives a toss. You could say the same about the Sheffield Shield, but at least that is building towards something bigger. About the only time the community really sat up and took notice was when they all sailed into Hurricane Bertha and there was massive carnage - and that was more of a humanitarian angle than a sporting one. Much better value is the Melbourne to Hobart race. Not just because it's shorter and doesn't start in Sydney, but because on the first day it has a competition called the Cock Of The Bay. Hah, they said cock! What they say: "Set the spinnaker to starboard" What to say: "You know, if they get favourable winds across Bass Straight the crew on Skandia could be looking at a new race record" What not to say: "I really hope some of these boats sink like that shit one in the America's Cup a few years ago" 3. Australian Rules When: Sure you can't avoid it for most of the year, but the bandwagon really fills throughout September. If there's one thing you can be sure about when it comes to Australia it's that we like a winner. Why do you think anyone tolerates swimming? In fact that would have been on this list were it a real sport. The other vital part of the national psyche is the terror of being left out of something everyone else is into, and that's why every September thousands of people with only the most fleeting allegiance to an AFL club suddenly discover their love of the game. Most Melbournians, if really pressed will find a footy team that they have some affiliation with. The difference is between the ones who go "oh my alleged team is in the finals, whatever" and the "yes, I'm a lifelong Hawthorn fan.. up the Hawks, oh Brodie Franklin you're my hero" set. These are the odious types who you can't shut up after a grand final win even though they've never been to a game in their life. "I'm a huge fan!" they cry, and then admit that they prefer watching games on television because it has commentary. Take a radio with you to the game? There's no place for logic here. The pinnacle of this fiasco is the Grand Final, where half of the seats in the ground are deliberately set aside for fans of other clubs, competition winners, corporate sponsors and other varied idiots. Only the AFL could manufacture a scenario where the games played to qualify for the Grand Final are better attended and more passionate. Compare a preliminary final to a GF and the atmosphere may as well be like going from a drug fuelled rave in a airport hangar to your grandmother's funeral. Still, these space wasters who deprive real fans of their tickets go along and pretend they're providing some great benefit to society. Hopefully the football revolution comes on a grand final day so we can line these people up and have them shot. What they say: "Richmond's decision to draft Tambling instead of Franklin is one which will haunt them for years to come so it's no wonder that this time they bowed to the pressure of their fans and made the decision to draft Cousins" What to say: "Scott West was robbed out of a Brownlow in 2000, but he doesn't need honors be acknowledged as a true champion of the game" What NOT to say: "I can't believe the AFL didn't think of expanding into West Sydney earlier, we really could stand to lose a team or two in Victoria" 4. Horse Racing When: Caulfield Cup day to Oaks day inclusive. Then it's back to blokes in overcoats and crowds of 200 at Moonee Valley on a Thursday. For most of the calendar year racing of any code is treated with complete disdain. Think gambling and you think of crusty old men in the TAB with form guides that they stole from the paper without paying for it. Even when somebody pays $2 million for a horse at the annual yearling sales barely an eyebrow is raised, but then all of a sudden almost out of nowhere the city is consumed by the idea of "going to the races". Of course nobody gives a toss about the actual horses, it's more about getting trashed, collapsing in a hedge and not being able to get a train home. Some do take their gambling seriously though. Our ridiculously oversized and expensive hats off to those lunatics who spend the entire year betting millions of dollars on thoroughbreds, but even more so a big round of applause to the wannabe big shots who go into the carnival thinking they've got it all worked out only to lose their entire life savings instead. The only thing left to do is get maggoted and have a fight with somebody in the members enclosure. Then, bang, after a final, barely tolerated, hoorah on Stakes Day the prospect of frocking up and watching midgets whipping horses around a track while drinking yourself into a coma is about as welcome as a Daphne and Celeste comeback tour. What they say: "Right, now I've got two legs of the Quaddie, I'm into the running double on the 2nd at Cessnock and my first four on the 3rd at the Dapto dogs is looking like a cert. Can I borrow twenty bucks?" or "Bleghhhh" when they spew on your shoes. What to say: "I always put my money with the cups king, Bart Cummings and I was delighted when he won the big race again last year." What NOT to say: "You know what, I reckon I'd prefer a night at the Sandown Park greyhounds" 5. FIFA World Cup When: Every four years starting in July 2006, and continuing through to at least 2010. I remember a time in the not at all distant past when 95% of white, anglo-saxon god fearing, dinky-di "aussies" loathed 'soccer'. To express an interest in football in the late 1980's was an invitation to be referred to as a wog or woman. You see it was a game strictly for poofs and if you wanted to be macho you'd grab your cricket bat and stand in a field for days wearing pristine whites and being politely applauded instead. Then at some point in the late 90's everything changed. Australia had suffered two near misses at qualifying for the World Cup (and let's face it I'll never get over that Iran game..) and the emergence of Pay-TV and the internet had made the game accessible. No longer did the handful of us who cared have to cower under the doona at 2am to listen to the BBC World Series, or avoid the Monday sports section to watch the 10pm highlights package on the ABC after Birds of a Feather. Now it was suddenly fashionable to wear team shirts on the street - but only the big teams - and discuss with your mates whether or not Chelsea would ever win another league title. Of course at the time you didn't actually know any Chelsea fans, but then some rich bloke bought them and everyone's walking around in replica shirts singing Blue Is The Color. And so when Australia finally qualified for their second world cup with that amazing penalty shootout win over Uruguay it was licence for everybody who had loathed the game in the past to suddenly profess a love of the world game. The internet nearly crashed with all the people googling "Johnny Warren" to see who it was that everyone kept talking about on the World Cup coverage. So they crowded public spaces all around the country, bit their tongues and pretended that they really didn't mind a nil-all draw and went off their nut for the Aussies from kickoff against Japan to the moment that cheating Italian cunt fell over in the box and knocked us out. Then, finally justified, 90% of them went back to making snide comments about greasy Europeans going down as if shot without having been touched. Most of the other 10% jumped on-board the A-League and subsequently jumped off again if crowds anywhere other than Melbourne are anything to go by. With the national team a cert to qualify for South Africa 2010 (if you're planning to go and support them watch your wallets, and ladies buy a chastity belt) the current complete apathy for the game is projected to turn into an utter frenzy again. I tend to agree with this insightful letter, published in the Melbourne MX newspaper just after that famous shootout win; What they say: "Despite Mark Viduka's poor scoring record for the Socceroos, I believe that his performances as a target man who can hold the ball up have really earnt him his place in the squad" What to say: "Despite the hype Guus Hiddink really did have a poor 2006 World Cup as manager. The fact is that with the starting lineup on the field we only scored one goal from open play" What NOT to say: "Why don't they just get rid of offside and let people stand anywhere. Works alright in footy"