Remember that first Retro Rant I pulled from the archives saying that schoolkids should be allowed to have any zany hairstyle they liked?
Well, as of now I respectfully withdraw my comments.
I must have seen at least ten private school tossers walking around with full-scale afros today. I'm willing to concede that under the circumstances that it might have been the same guy everytime; but it still looked shithouse.
The little darlings must be back at school this week, which can only mean bad news for the rest of us.
Adam = Refuses to show any empathy to schoolchildren.
Wednesday, 30 April 2003
Tuesday, 29 April 2003
Found myself in the midst of another protest today. This time it was construction workers and other general union idiots on William Street marching against Martin Kingham's court appearance. He allegedly failed to provide documents to the Royal Commission or something. No idea whether he's guilty or not, I'd rather concentrate on the fact that these people probably had something better to do - like, you know, working maybe?
The most entertaining part of the entire thing (apart from the fact that it kept us from having to do any work for three hours) was the guy in a truck singing Bob Marley's "Get Up, Stand Up" to rally the troops. Sadly he wasn't quite sure of anything but the chorus so we got that over, and over again much to our great joy. I was going to yell out for him to do "Jamming" instead, but these peace loving people might have come over and kicked my ass.
Then we started singing "Here we go, Here we go, Here we go". I would have preferred the standard soccer version of "Dig a hole, dig a hole, dig a hole" or "Let him die, let him die, let him die" but it was their protest, so who am I to complain?
The most entertaining part of the entire thing (apart from the fact that it kept us from having to do any work for three hours) was the guy in a truck singing Bob Marley's "Get Up, Stand Up" to rally the troops. Sadly he wasn't quite sure of anything but the chorus so we got that over, and over again much to our great joy. I was going to yell out for him to do "Jamming" instead, but these peace loving people might have come over and kicked my ass.
Then we started singing "Here we go, Here we go, Here we go". I would have preferred the standard soccer version of "Dig a hole, dig a hole, dig a hole" or "Let him die, let him die, let him die" but it was their protest, so who am I to complain?
Monday, 28 April 2003
I can't profess to have any interest in the new series of Big Brother, but if you do then you'll probably want to follow the show in blog-form via bb2003.blogspot.com.
No, I can't pump myself up for it this time. Though I said that about the last one until I looked at the pictures of the contestants the day before it started and realised that that one of them used to go out with a guy I know. Of course she then decided to spend her entire stay on the show telling the world about how she'd shagged half of Australia when she'd given my friend absolutely nothing for a month. That was slightly amusing.
And we got the exclusive on her past appearances in soft-core porn, although it was a bit disturbing that he pulled out (settle down) copies of the offending publications straight away to support the allegations.
I did take a look at the people who are in it this time in the feint hope that there might be a repeat, but despite a massive stack of Victorians (ratings a bit down around here last time eh Channel 10?) inside there's no such luck.
Back to watching Simpsons repeats on Fox 8 at 7 for me.
No, I can't pump myself up for it this time. Though I said that about the last one until I looked at the pictures of the contestants the day before it started and realised that that one of them used to go out with a guy I know. Of course she then decided to spend her entire stay on the show telling the world about how she'd shagged half of Australia when she'd given my friend absolutely nothing for a month. That was slightly amusing.
And we got the exclusive on her past appearances in soft-core porn, although it was a bit disturbing that he pulled out (settle down) copies of the offending publications straight away to support the allegations.
I did take a look at the people who are in it this time in the feint hope that there might be a repeat, but despite a massive stack of Victorians (ratings a bit down around here last time eh Channel 10?) inside there's no such luck.
Back to watching Simpsons repeats on Fox 8 at 7 for me.
Canberra Trip Report -
We left Melbourne at the ungodly hour of 5.30, and by the time mystery fog had lifted and it was light we were already out of range of all the good radio stations, condeming us to local FM hell for the best part of the next six hours.
Towns passed included Harden (!), Howlong (!) and my personal favourite BARNAWARTHA which only sounds good if it's said in a comedy voice. We posed for pictures in front of the BARNAWARTHA (see, it's fun!) sign and then continued on.
By the time we got to Yass, the town with a jolly little Super Mario Brothers-esque castle as it's logo we were so fungry we'd settle for any old rubbery food they were selling. And we did. The Colonel would roll over in his grave if he saw what these people were doing to the KFC name. Surly staff, wrong orders, bizarrely prepared food - it was pretty much like any other fast food joint actually. Except we had to stand in line with a bunch of hillbillies for 15 minutes.
Onwards then to the national capital, and after an obligatory visit to, and photo opportunity at, a couple of pron stores we headed for the greatest shopping centre in the free world the Tuggeranong Hyperdome. Much like the Telstra Dome it's not really a dome, but this place is good so we'll work with them ok? Inside we discovered our old favourites like CPS and a few new surprises - chief amongst them the existence of Kingsley's Express, a fast food joint so shamelessly ripped off from McDonalds that the only thing it lacked with a suspicious clown called "Roland McDonald" harassing children outside.
We spent a foolish amount of money there then moved onto our motel, the cheapest and nastiest place in the whole city, the improbably named FORMULE 1 (Obviously the people who run Formula 1 had sent a few cease-and-desist letters).
Meanwhile we listened to Hawthorn choke a 51-point lead and destroy my easy money prediction in their game against Richmond. I hereby resign from the tipping caper as of now.
Then we ventured down (up? Who cares) to Canberra Stadium, the sort of place where they go to ridiculous lengths to assign everyone a seat and then they all go and sit wherever they damn well feel. This is how I ended up sitting with the world (in)famous Bulldogs Army. They spent the whole game hanging shit on three local idiots who decided to sit in the middle of them all ("We always sit here") and then complained when they were abused. I spent the second-half of the reserves game in the TAB watching Wests get porked by Newcastle.
Then Canterbury got rorted in the main-event match by the refs, just like our trip last year. Amul has a fat list of times Bill Harrigan has cheated the Dogs out of a win. His list expanded by one more on Saturday night. Sadly there was no riot to rival the post-match entertainment of last year.
Putting aside the sports related debacle we went to some seedy bar full of people younger and more attractive than I am. This caused me to become entirely depressed about everything and I went back to the seedy motel. To add extra entertainment I then suffered the world's greatest bout of insomnia and ended up walking to some service station 30 minutes away at 3:30am and talking to some guy in the carpark.
I did revisit the site of my great plummet down the casino steps earlier in the night, and I was almost tempted to do a photo recreation of the famous event but the bouncers looked like the evil bastards who physically removed me from the place that fateful night years ago so I thought I'd better not push it. Being roughed up by fat men probably hurts a lot more when you're sober.
We left at 9:30am Sunday morning, the only special moment of the trip came when Amul accidentally emptied his mobile phone into the bin of the Albury KFC (a far nicer place than the Yass shithole) and had to fish it out in front of a suitably amused employee of the Colonel. The horror of shonky FM stations manned from a shack in the bush was avoided by finding a station relaying the call of the Geelong/St. Kilda game.
Back at 6:30 and played a rather violent game of Indoor Soccer at 8. Oh, and Canberra's ABC Radio station is 666am - that always amuses me greatly.
Thanks to the wonders of digital photography passing me by the planned photo essay of the trip will have to wait until I waste the rest of the film in my camera. Could be next year at the rate I take photos.
We left Melbourne at the ungodly hour of 5.30, and by the time mystery fog had lifted and it was light we were already out of range of all the good radio stations, condeming us to local FM hell for the best part of the next six hours.
Towns passed included Harden (!), Howlong (!) and my personal favourite BARNAWARTHA which only sounds good if it's said in a comedy voice. We posed for pictures in front of the BARNAWARTHA (see, it's fun!) sign and then continued on.
By the time we got to Yass, the town with a jolly little Super Mario Brothers-esque castle as it's logo we were so fungry we'd settle for any old rubbery food they were selling. And we did. The Colonel would roll over in his grave if he saw what these people were doing to the KFC name. Surly staff, wrong orders, bizarrely prepared food - it was pretty much like any other fast food joint actually. Except we had to stand in line with a bunch of hillbillies for 15 minutes.
Onwards then to the national capital, and after an obligatory visit to, and photo opportunity at, a couple of pron stores we headed for the greatest shopping centre in the free world the Tuggeranong Hyperdome. Much like the Telstra Dome it's not really a dome, but this place is good so we'll work with them ok? Inside we discovered our old favourites like CPS and a few new surprises - chief amongst them the existence of Kingsley's Express, a fast food joint so shamelessly ripped off from McDonalds that the only thing it lacked with a suspicious clown called "Roland McDonald" harassing children outside.
We spent a foolish amount of money there then moved onto our motel, the cheapest and nastiest place in the whole city, the improbably named FORMULE 1 (Obviously the people who run Formula 1 had sent a few cease-and-desist letters).
Meanwhile we listened to Hawthorn choke a 51-point lead and destroy my easy money prediction in their game against Richmond. I hereby resign from the tipping caper as of now.
Then we ventured down (up? Who cares) to Canberra Stadium, the sort of place where they go to ridiculous lengths to assign everyone a seat and then they all go and sit wherever they damn well feel. This is how I ended up sitting with the world (in)famous Bulldogs Army. They spent the whole game hanging shit on three local idiots who decided to sit in the middle of them all ("We always sit here") and then complained when they were abused. I spent the second-half of the reserves game in the TAB watching Wests get porked by Newcastle.
Then Canterbury got rorted in the main-event match by the refs, just like our trip last year. Amul has a fat list of times Bill Harrigan has cheated the Dogs out of a win. His list expanded by one more on Saturday night. Sadly there was no riot to rival the post-match entertainment of last year.
Putting aside the sports related debacle we went to some seedy bar full of people younger and more attractive than I am. This caused me to become entirely depressed about everything and I went back to the seedy motel. To add extra entertainment I then suffered the world's greatest bout of insomnia and ended up walking to some service station 30 minutes away at 3:30am and talking to some guy in the carpark.
I did revisit the site of my great plummet down the casino steps earlier in the night, and I was almost tempted to do a photo recreation of the famous event but the bouncers looked like the evil bastards who physically removed me from the place that fateful night years ago so I thought I'd better not push it. Being roughed up by fat men probably hurts a lot more when you're sober.
We left at 9:30am Sunday morning, the only special moment of the trip came when Amul accidentally emptied his mobile phone into the bin of the Albury KFC (a far nicer place than the Yass shithole) and had to fish it out in front of a suitably amused employee of the Colonel. The horror of shonky FM stations manned from a shack in the bush was avoided by finding a station relaying the call of the Geelong/St. Kilda game.
Back at 6:30 and played a rather violent game of Indoor Soccer at 8. Oh, and Canberra's ABC Radio station is 666am - that always amuses me greatly.
Thanks to the wonders of digital photography passing me by the planned photo essay of the trip will have to wait until I waste the rest of the film in my camera. Could be next year at the rate I take photos.
Friday, 25 April 2003
No blog on Saturday (possibly Sunday) because I'm going on the second annual unscheduled road-trip to Canberra.
My friend Amul wants to watch his NRL side Canterbury play Canberra. I like taking zany road trips. Two birds killed with one stone!
More importantly I want to show him the spot I rang him up from when I'd been thrown out of the Canberra Casino for drunkenly falling down the stairs at 2am a couple of years back.
Last time we went we visited Parliament House at 5am, the carpark was open so we went in to have a look. I started taking pictures and this security guard/federal police bogan drove in, the conversation went something like this
Bogan: "What are you doing down here?"
Adam: "Taking pictures"
Bogan: "Oh, ok then"
And then he drove off. National security is obviously in competant hands. Then when I got the pictures back the ones of the basement had miraculously disappeared... Conspiracy? I think so.
I'll be back on Monday (if not late Sunday) with a full report of proceedings, including the return to the best named shopping centre in the whole world the Tuggeranong Hyperdome. So, until I get back in front of a computer enjoy one of the fine blogs listed to the left of the screen.
PS - How SHIT were Melbourne tonight?
My friend Amul wants to watch his NRL side Canterbury play Canberra. I like taking zany road trips. Two birds killed with one stone!
More importantly I want to show him the spot I rang him up from when I'd been thrown out of the Canberra Casino for drunkenly falling down the stairs at 2am a couple of years back.
Last time we went we visited Parliament House at 5am, the carpark was open so we went in to have a look. I started taking pictures and this security guard/federal police bogan drove in, the conversation went something like this
Bogan: "What are you doing down here?"
Adam: "Taking pictures"
Bogan: "Oh, ok then"
And then he drove off. National security is obviously in competant hands. Then when I got the pictures back the ones of the basement had miraculously disappeared... Conspiracy? I think so.
I'll be back on Monday (if not late Sunday) with a full report of proceedings, including the return to the best named shopping centre in the whole world the Tuggeranong Hyperdome. So, until I get back in front of a computer enjoy one of the fine blogs listed to the left of the screen.
PS - How SHIT were Melbourne tonight?
90% of Americans think that Australia sits next-door to Germany and produced Arnold Schwarzenegger. The other 10% think we ride around on Kangaroos and say "BONZA!" a lot.
On that note I present the first in a TSP weekly feature (and we all know how well past promises of weekly features have gone) entitled "I've Never Been There" dedicated to educating us all about some countries that nobody's ever heard of.
With that, I present our first contender. Let's all consider ourselves a little bit more knowledgeable about the world, starting now!
1. Federated States of Micronesia
In 1979 the Federated States of Micronesia, a UN Trust Territory under US administration, adopted a constitution. In 1986 independence was attained under a Compact of Free Association with the United States. Present concerns include large-scale unemployment, overfishing, and overdependence on US aid.
Location: Oceania, island group in the North Pacific Ocean, about three-quarters of the way from Hawaii to Indonesia
Population: 133,144 (July 2000 est.)
Ethnic groups: nine ethnic Micronesian and Polynesian groups
Religions: Roman Catholic 50%, Protestant 47%, other and none 3%
Languages: English (official), Trukese, Pohnpeian, Yapese, Kosrean
Capital: Palikir
Radio broadcast stations: AM 5, FM 1, shortwave 0 (1998)
Television broadcast stations: 2 (1997)
Railways: 0 km
Highways: total: 240 km
International Disputes - None
1899 - Part of German New Guinea
1914 - Occupied by Japan
1920 - Held under mandate of the League of Nations
1947 - Part of the UN Trust Territory of the Pacific (With Marshall Islands, Northern Mariana Islands and Palau)
1979 - Granted autonomy
1986 - UN Security Council dissolves trust, independance granted.
On that note I present the first in a TSP weekly feature (and we all know how well past promises of weekly features have gone) entitled "I've Never Been There" dedicated to educating us all about some countries that nobody's ever heard of.
With that, I present our first contender. Let's all consider ourselves a little bit more knowledgeable about the world, starting now!
1. Federated States of Micronesia
In 1979 the Federated States of Micronesia, a UN Trust Territory under US administration, adopted a constitution. In 1986 independence was attained under a Compact of Free Association with the United States. Present concerns include large-scale unemployment, overfishing, and overdependence on US aid.
Location: Oceania, island group in the North Pacific Ocean, about three-quarters of the way from Hawaii to Indonesia
Population: 133,144 (July 2000 est.)
Ethnic groups: nine ethnic Micronesian and Polynesian groups
Religions: Roman Catholic 50%, Protestant 47%, other and none 3%
Languages: English (official), Trukese, Pohnpeian, Yapese, Kosrean
Capital: Palikir
Radio broadcast stations: AM 5, FM 1, shortwave 0 (1998)
Television broadcast stations: 2 (1997)
Railways: 0 km
Highways: total: 240 km
International Disputes - None
1899 - Part of German New Guinea
1914 - Occupied by Japan
1920 - Held under mandate of the League of Nations
1947 - Part of the UN Trust Territory of the Pacific (With Marshall Islands, Northern Mariana Islands and Palau)
1979 - Granted autonomy
1986 - UN Security Council dissolves trust, independance granted.
Retro Rant
October 2001
It's a little more structured and sensible than previous efforts. Consider this to be the standard of ranting a year before the birth of TSP.
Save the Burgers
Why McDonalds isn't evil
A familiar catchcry of the unwashed types who do a lot of the protesting in this city is that McDonalds is some kind of evil corporation. Apparently not only are they poisoning us with their food but their also enslaving kiddies who work for them too. About the only thing Ronald hasn't been blamed for is starting the Spanish Inquisition.
In reality what's wrong with them? If you don't like the food then don't eat it, if you're so against the "americanization" of Australia then feel free to eat your lentil burgers, lentil soup and lentil lentils nobodies trying to stop you. Nobody is going to throw paint bombs at the Vegetarian restaurant - we normal people are far too sensible for that.
As for their employees they're not paid royally, but what do you expect? The businesses are, after all, franchises, which means it's ordinary people who are trying to make a buck out of these restaurants - they can't exactly afford to give every one of their workers a free dental plan plus six weeks annual holiday. Would you rather pimply 16 year olds coming in an nicking your VCR to earn their money? Silly me, these hippies don't have VCR's - the only time they've ever used one is when they gathered around the TV in the "Womyn's Lobby" of their Uni to watch the unedited highlights of the S11 protests (Scoreboard - Cops 5, Protestors 1)
Maybe when these fools grow up and find themselves saddled with screaming kids demanding something to eat they'll realise the benefit of fast food, or will they be seen trying to drag the little blighters upstairs to 'Crossways' for a Big Lentil Soup instead? That would be a popular decision amongst the youngsters i'm sure.
Of course the funniest thing is that most of these unwashed idiots are just the kind of people you see hanging around McDonalds at all hours of the day. They'd tell you that it's really a "subversive fact finding mission" but the truth is that they really couldn't stand one more dish with f'ing lentils in it.
It's pointless to protest against a Fast Food restaurant, but it won't stop. Next they'll be picketing Starbucks because they're "destroying the small operator" by selling coffee that people actually want to drink without listening to wanky live music from a hippy who still thinks it's 1967. Pissweak piped Britney Spears music might be bad, but it's got to be than listening to Captain Love and his All-Star Flower Power Hour in some crappy Brunswick Street hole.
Erm, where were we.. Oh yes, McDonalds and their crimes against humanity. Well the 'coke' they sell is pretty crappy, and they always put too much ice in it... Well move over Slobodan Milosevic, we have something far more important for the International Court of Justice to discuss. Hippies of course don't like any kind of coke - the cola is made by a nasty multinational and the drug is consumed by people who actually get out and make themselves a living. These people, on the other hand, spend their entire lives trying to get blasted by snorting the contents of a can of WD40.
You'll hear horror stories from their ex-employees about how unhygenic the places are, and how the health inspector is often bribed with a huge wad of cash. Lies! I've been eating the stuff for years and it never affected me (*burp*). Besides who's saying the cook at your 'local', which if you are a real activist has had the live musician kicked out for pokies which actually make some kind of a profit, washes his hands coming out of the bathroom?
It's wrong - people are harassing this innocent store when satanic food merchants like Hungry Jacks/Burger King are still going around. What makes Ronald so much worse than Colonel Sanders? Wasn't the Colonel supposed to be a Klansman or something? That's what it says on a wall in an alley near Burke Road anyway...
Sadly some of these people will never give up, when the sensible ones are coining it in near their 40th birthday they'll turn on the TV one day and see the people they protested with in their teens hurling rotten eggs at the Venezuelan consulate and laugh. Then they'll go back to running the country.
October 2001
It's a little more structured and sensible than previous efforts. Consider this to be the standard of ranting a year before the birth of TSP.
Save the Burgers
Why McDonalds isn't evil
A familiar catchcry of the unwashed types who do a lot of the protesting in this city is that McDonalds is some kind of evil corporation. Apparently not only are they poisoning us with their food but their also enslaving kiddies who work for them too. About the only thing Ronald hasn't been blamed for is starting the Spanish Inquisition.
In reality what's wrong with them? If you don't like the food then don't eat it, if you're so against the "americanization" of Australia then feel free to eat your lentil burgers, lentil soup and lentil lentils nobodies trying to stop you. Nobody is going to throw paint bombs at the Vegetarian restaurant - we normal people are far too sensible for that.
As for their employees they're not paid royally, but what do you expect? The businesses are, after all, franchises, which means it's ordinary people who are trying to make a buck out of these restaurants - they can't exactly afford to give every one of their workers a free dental plan plus six weeks annual holiday. Would you rather pimply 16 year olds coming in an nicking your VCR to earn their money? Silly me, these hippies don't have VCR's - the only time they've ever used one is when they gathered around the TV in the "Womyn's Lobby" of their Uni to watch the unedited highlights of the S11 protests (Scoreboard - Cops 5, Protestors 1)
Maybe when these fools grow up and find themselves saddled with screaming kids demanding something to eat they'll realise the benefit of fast food, or will they be seen trying to drag the little blighters upstairs to 'Crossways' for a Big Lentil Soup instead? That would be a popular decision amongst the youngsters i'm sure.
Of course the funniest thing is that most of these unwashed idiots are just the kind of people you see hanging around McDonalds at all hours of the day. They'd tell you that it's really a "subversive fact finding mission" but the truth is that they really couldn't stand one more dish with f'ing lentils in it.
It's pointless to protest against a Fast Food restaurant, but it won't stop. Next they'll be picketing Starbucks because they're "destroying the small operator" by selling coffee that people actually want to drink without listening to wanky live music from a hippy who still thinks it's 1967. Pissweak piped Britney Spears music might be bad, but it's got to be than listening to Captain Love and his All-Star Flower Power Hour in some crappy Brunswick Street hole.
Erm, where were we.. Oh yes, McDonalds and their crimes against humanity. Well the 'coke' they sell is pretty crappy, and they always put too much ice in it... Well move over Slobodan Milosevic, we have something far more important for the International Court of Justice to discuss. Hippies of course don't like any kind of coke - the cola is made by a nasty multinational and the drug is consumed by people who actually get out and make themselves a living. These people, on the other hand, spend their entire lives trying to get blasted by snorting the contents of a can of WD40.
You'll hear horror stories from their ex-employees about how unhygenic the places are, and how the health inspector is often bribed with a huge wad of cash. Lies! I've been eating the stuff for years and it never affected me (*burp*). Besides who's saying the cook at your 'local', which if you are a real activist has had the live musician kicked out for pokies which actually make some kind of a profit, washes his hands coming out of the bathroom?
It's wrong - people are harassing this innocent store when satanic food merchants like Hungry Jacks/Burger King are still going around. What makes Ronald so much worse than Colonel Sanders? Wasn't the Colonel supposed to be a Klansman or something? That's what it says on a wall in an alley near Burke Road anyway...
Sadly some of these people will never give up, when the sensible ones are coining it in near their 40th birthday they'll turn on the TV one day and see the people they protested with in their teens hurling rotten eggs at the Venezuelan consulate and laugh. Then they'll go back to running the country.
Thursday, 24 April 2003
Let's talk about Oasis. Nobody else does anymore, so I should give them a plug. Now, they were a decent band for their time - the first couple of albums were quite good, then total lunacy prevailed and they started making pretentious wankfests that nobody has listened to since Britpop was declared legally dead.
However, everyone knows I love a good rant and this classic after Coldplay did some anti-war speech at a benefit concert puts Liam Gallagher back into my 'respect' folder. Cop a load of this genius, mentioned in today's Herald-Sun "Hit" music section.
"When Colplay did this gig they banged on about the war. That's wrong. Chris Martin shouldn't be using this cause to bang on about his own views on the war. If him and his gawky bird want to go banging on about the war they can do it at their own gigs.
That lot are just a bunch of knobhead students - Chris Martin looks like a Geography teacher. What's all that with writing messages about Free Trade on his hand when he's playing? If he wants to write things down I'll give him a pen and a pad of paper. Bunch of students."
Entertaining, but only when they're not singing.
However, everyone knows I love a good rant and this classic after Coldplay did some anti-war speech at a benefit concert puts Liam Gallagher back into my 'respect' folder. Cop a load of this genius, mentioned in today's Herald-Sun "Hit" music section.
"When Colplay did this gig they banged on about the war. That's wrong. Chris Martin shouldn't be using this cause to bang on about his own views on the war. If him and his gawky bird want to go banging on about the war they can do it at their own gigs.
That lot are just a bunch of knobhead students - Chris Martin looks like a Geography teacher. What's all that with writing messages about Free Trade on his hand when he's playing? If he wants to write things down I'll give him a pen and a pad of paper. Bunch of students."
Entertaining, but only when they're not singing.
Wednesday, 23 April 2003
With the commercial TV networks throwing wave after wave of horrifically unfunny sketch comedy shows at us, and the travesty that is Channel 7's second rate knockoff of the Kumar's at Number 42 (Hosted by Effie - There's a gag that was funny for five minutes in 1992) this recently rediscovered Retro Rant from early 2001 is a topical as ever.
Television is full of thieves, not just the shonky Demtel salesman and billionare preachers who fill the overnight lineups on commercial TV, but also the executives whose creative talents stretch only as far as pinching all the good ideas from each other.
We, the viewers, are the willing accomplices to the process. Backyard Blitz was a bit of fun (allegedly), so when Ground Force appeared at a different time slot on a different network teh audience ate them both up and asked for more; the few thousand viewers who count towards the ratings anyway. Survivor was a worldwide success, suddenly every man and his dog were being shipped off to a deserted island. Shipwrecked, Treasure Island etc, etc.
Popstars, nicked from the Kiwi's, rated it's ass off. Arise "Search for a Supermodel". Weeks of anorexics bitching that the judges wouldn't cop sexual favours. Fortunately it's ratings, and blessed demise of major sponsor Scape.com, ensured that the model won't be back. It only it had happened to Popstars we would have been spared the horrors of Scandal'us.
There is, though, one 'reality' program that ensures life for cocaine snorting TV executives with ponytails will never be the same again. Big Brother is the ultimate in television intrusion.
Locking twelve people up in a house with nowhere to hide is the greatest programming genius of them all. Sure, we're one of the last major TV producing nations to jump on the bandwagon but the wait was more than worth it. The show has raised the reality bar in Europe, and now it's our turn to feel the power.
Then, if my hastily compiled notes were anything to go by I talked about how much I was looking forward to gratuitous female nudity seven nights a week, and my calling for the network to put somebody on their payroll into the house merely to cause trouble.
Who could have forecast that three-quarters of the people picked would be so bland as to make Simon Crean look interesting? Who might have guessed that they'd throw away such exciting innovations as fake housemates and having them all nominate in front of each other. Do these people not understand that fights = ratings? It might have rated well, but imagine how many more people would have watched it if the prospect of a good dust-up was on the cards every night? Me for one.
Search for a Supermodel did return, then it went away again. Hopefully permanently.
Moreover, who would ever have guessed that in Scott Cain Popstars III would (rather unsuccesfully) attempt to make a superstar out of somebody with even less musical talent than Bardot or Scandal'us. And they were all checkout chicks. Amazing.
So, let this retro rant be proof that I once considered reality television to be an exciting new avenue of television production. What a hideous mistake.
Television is full of thieves, not just the shonky Demtel salesman and billionare preachers who fill the overnight lineups on commercial TV, but also the executives whose creative talents stretch only as far as pinching all the good ideas from each other.
We, the viewers, are the willing accomplices to the process. Backyard Blitz was a bit of fun (allegedly), so when Ground Force appeared at a different time slot on a different network teh audience ate them both up and asked for more; the few thousand viewers who count towards the ratings anyway. Survivor was a worldwide success, suddenly every man and his dog were being shipped off to a deserted island. Shipwrecked, Treasure Island etc, etc.
Popstars, nicked from the Kiwi's, rated it's ass off. Arise "Search for a Supermodel". Weeks of anorexics bitching that the judges wouldn't cop sexual favours. Fortunately it's ratings, and blessed demise of major sponsor Scape.com, ensured that the model won't be back. It only it had happened to Popstars we would have been spared the horrors of Scandal'us.
There is, though, one 'reality' program that ensures life for cocaine snorting TV executives with ponytails will never be the same again. Big Brother is the ultimate in television intrusion.
Locking twelve people up in a house with nowhere to hide is the greatest programming genius of them all. Sure, we're one of the last major TV producing nations to jump on the bandwagon but the wait was more than worth it. The show has raised the reality bar in Europe, and now it's our turn to feel the power.
Then, if my hastily compiled notes were anything to go by I talked about how much I was looking forward to gratuitous female nudity seven nights a week, and my calling for the network to put somebody on their payroll into the house merely to cause trouble.
Who could have forecast that three-quarters of the people picked would be so bland as to make Simon Crean look interesting? Who might have guessed that they'd throw away such exciting innovations as fake housemates and having them all nominate in front of each other. Do these people not understand that fights = ratings? It might have rated well, but imagine how many more people would have watched it if the prospect of a good dust-up was on the cards every night? Me for one.
Search for a Supermodel did return, then it went away again. Hopefully permanently.
Moreover, who would ever have guessed that in Scott Cain Popstars III would (rather unsuccesfully) attempt to make a superstar out of somebody with even less musical talent than Bardot or Scandal'us. And they were all checkout chicks. Amazing.
So, let this retro rant be proof that I once considered reality television to be an exciting new avenue of television production. What a hideous mistake.
Tuesday, 22 April 2003
Speaking of conflicting emotions regarding football, as I was earlier, I can't decide whether I'd rather see West Ham get relegated so I win money or Leeds relegated just because I don't like them. Such decisions. I'm leaning more towards seeing West Ham go down now because it was a bold decision to pick them for the drop pre-season and they've been there most of the year. I think I'd rather see Leeds blunder through one more shocking season before they take the Blackburn/Manchester City/Leicester 'big' club trip to the first division.
They never should have sacked O'Leary, that was one of the most ill-advised managerial changes ever (though Koppell's firing of Terry Burton must rank close. But what else do you expect from a goat worrier?)
They never should have sacked O'Leary, that was one of the most ill-advised managerial changes ever (though Koppell's firing of Terry Burton must rank close. But what else do you expect from a goat worrier?)
On my way home tonight I saw a guy walking through the city in a pre-Franchise Wimbledon FC shirt. Such conflicting emotions, was he an AFC fan remembering the pre-Koppell glory days? One of the few scabs unconscionably still hanging onto the excitement of mid-table First Division football? Or one of those people who buy a shirt because it looks good (and it still does) and has no idea about the team. These people often claim to support bigger clubs even when they're wearing
By my estimation it was a 1995/96 season shirt, and I'm assuming it was a legit fan because it had "THORN 16" on the back - and you're hardly likely to find too many Andy Thorn fans amongst the casual supporter. It was too depressing a sight to pass comment on. In happier days I used to greet fellow fans with a hearty "Go the Dons!" whenever I saw them, but now the situation is so clouded it's not worth trying now. If he's a Franchise fan I don't want to encourage him, if he's an AFC fan I don't want him to think I'm one of the Franchise scum. Who says there's no emotion left in sports?
For the record all my original Wimbledon shirts are in storage now, probably never to be seen again and my new AFC version has been ordered and I should be debuting it to the waiting Melbourne audience ("Is that the Manchester United away shirt?" *SMACK*) within a month.
(Meanwhile this morning; AFC Wimbledon 5, Raynes Park Vale 0. The relentless march towards the football league continues)
By my estimation it was a 1995/96 season shirt, and I'm assuming it was a legit fan because it had "THORN 16" on the back - and you're hardly likely to find too many Andy Thorn fans amongst the casual supporter. It was too depressing a sight to pass comment on. In happier days I used to greet fellow fans with a hearty "Go the Dons!" whenever I saw them, but now the situation is so clouded it's not worth trying now. If he's a Franchise fan I don't want to encourage him, if he's an AFC fan I don't want him to think I'm one of the Franchise scum. Who says there's no emotion left in sports?
For the record all my original Wimbledon shirts are in storage now, probably never to be seen again and my new AFC version has been ordered and I should be debuting it to the waiting Melbourne audience ("Is that the Manchester United away shirt?" *SMACK*) within a month.
(Meanwhile this morning; AFC Wimbledon 5, Raynes Park Vale 0. The relentless march towards the football league continues)
I don't think I've posted here about the disturbing amount of joy I get from seeing K's inserted randomly into words where they're not supposed to go.
Kwik Kopy? GENIUS! Krazy Glue? Superb! KKK? Not so good (unless we're talking about your local Krazy Kloning Kultists, the Raelians. In that case - WHERE'S THE BABY ALREADY YOU FREAKS?)
But this morning while I was out in the 'burbs I saw a royal who breaks out the spinning roundhouse kick and puts his rivals in the food industry into the intensive care ward.
Ladies and gentlemen, an awed hush please for KING KAULIFLOWER. Located at 42 Grantham St, Brunswick West (Yes, I looked it up). Consider them the official Fruit and Veg supplier of TSP from now on, and shop there for that very reason.
Kwik Kopy? GENIUS! Krazy Glue? Superb! KKK? Not so good (unless we're talking about your local Krazy Kloning Kultists, the Raelians. In that case - WHERE'S THE BABY ALREADY YOU FREAKS?)
But this morning while I was out in the 'burbs I saw a royal who breaks out the spinning roundhouse kick and puts his rivals in the food industry into the intensive care ward.
Ladies and gentlemen, an awed hush please for KING KAULIFLOWER. Located at 42 Grantham St, Brunswick West (Yes, I looked it up). Consider them the official Fruit and Veg supplier of TSP from now on, and shop there for that very reason.
Monday, 21 April 2003
I've always felt that Australian Rules Football is one of those sports that will never translate well into a video game, there are too many subtelties that means it just can't be simulated like Soccer or Baseball.
Not that there haven't been a few attempts at it. The earliest I've seen is a Commodore 64 game from the late 80's titled simply "Australian Football". I could never get that to work on an emulator, but it looked pretty rancid.
In the early 90's came the NES game, Australian Rules Football, it was flogged ad-nauseum during the pre-season comp that year and by the time Round One rolled around every kid in my class had a copy. It wasn't too bad, all things considered, the only notable problem being a lack of a proper season mode unless you had more than one human player and that you couldn't save your games. It also had some terribly generic teams like "Perth" and "Canberra", which just went to show that despite throwing a truckload of money at notorious thug Dermott Brereton to be in their ads they couldn't be arsed shelling out for a proper AFL licence to use the team names. The most notable features were the practice mode, which involved a little kid punting the ball around an empty surburban park - a cute touch - and the boundary umpire who'd appear and say "Out of Bounds, on the full" in the most monotone voice ever whenever the ball was kicked over the line. I guarantee you that if you go up to some 19-22 year-olds and ask them to say "out of bounds on the full" they'd do it in the voice from the game. That cartoon boundary umpire is still a cult-figure to me.
Then the trail went dead for a few years, until early 1995 when the game "Finals Fever" appeared. That's the reason for this post, so we'll come back to it after our cheap and nasty history of AFL computer games has finished.
Next came the AFL 98 games on PC and Playstation. They weren't bad, save a few bugs with the PC version, but even on the hardest difficulty level you'd be thrashing the computer by massive margins within a few hours of picking the game up. Leading Fremantle to the AFL Premiership? Easy as. Even the awful 1997 Melbourne side could be turned into champions after a few hours learning the game. The sequels to these games raised the bar a little bit, but the pissweak learning curve still meant the games replay value was limited.
Kevin Sheedy's AFL Manager in 2002 made the first attempt at introducing a coaching sim to the genre, and it was absolutely shithouse. I've not heard anyone even mention the game in the last year, and I'm tending to assume that means nobody is still playing it.
Currently the flag is flown by the AFL 2003 game, which is pretty awful and has commentary which sounds suspiciously like what you used to get on Megadrive games in the mid 90's and the relatively unknown Footy Fanatic, which is the first decent stab at an AFL management game. It's only ever been let down by some horrifically buggy early versions, the latest edition is supposed to fix most of these but it also had the effect of stopping the game from working on some computers (for instance, mine) so we'll wait a bit longer before passing judgement on that particular game's legacy.
So, back to Finals Fever.
It was easy, very easy. But it was addictive, which is what made it great. In fact, back in the days before computer piracy was widespread and everybody still seemed to own the same games I can't remember too many of my classmates not having it. In fact it seemed that one of them spent his entire weekends seeing how many points he could have Carlton beat Collingwood by, he claimed once to have racked up a 1000 point victory in a full-length game - a claim greeted with both suspicion and pity.
The simulation of the rules was also highly dubious, the only free-kick you could get was for out-on-the-full (without the comedy voices of the NES game), and the whole point to tackling was to press both buttons at once at push the opposition player fair-and-square in the back.
And it had a horrific bug which meant you could insert Brownlow Medallist James Hird into the frankly useless 1996 Melbourne squad.
I played it for the first time in years tonight. Setting up a rematch of Saturday's debacle at Kardinia Park. Geelong stormed into a four goal lead at quarter-time as I struggled to remember how to play the game. Then, led by Gary Lyon and Jeff Farmer who kicked nine goals between them, the Demons (with James Hird, obviously, on the half-back-flank) stormed back to within eight points at the last change and punished the inaccurate Cats with a Todd Viney behind in the dying seconds setting-up a thrilling one point win (10.8.80 to 10.19.79).
It's only after you win a game that you get Finals Fever's best feature, the club theme songs played on a xylophone. It's hard to explain the significance of these performances now, but let me tell you that for a time during the mid 90's every kid in Melbourne went to the footy and wished they'd play the instrumental version of the club song after the game.
Finals Fever only had one major fault. Once you'd played through a full 22 rounds and finished in the top six (as it was then) there were no finals. Yes, that's right in a game called "Finals Fever" they'd neglected to actually put a finals series in it. When the game came out I lived around the corner from the company who created it, I always meant to drop in and ask them what the HELL they were thinking making a mistake like that but I never did. Which is a shame, because I'd like to have heard their explanation.
I also had a bit of a problem with the fact that the game box claimed it was the "ultimate AFL coaching experience", when this turned out to only go as far as shuffling your lineup before a game I was somewhat disappointed. At least you could indulge Neil Balme's ultimate fantasy of finally playing Ivan Bartul. The real-life version refused to cross to Victoria after he was drafted, but in this game you could do whatever you liked with him.
So, if you're nostalgic for the days of Fitzroy and the Brisbane Bears, want to hear some rocking xylophone music and aren't fussed about actually playing off for a Premiership at the end of it all then Footy Fanatic might just be the game for you. It shouldn't be too easy to find somebody who's got a copy sitting around in a box somewhere. You can't have mine though, I think I'm going to keep playing it now.
Not that there haven't been a few attempts at it. The earliest I've seen is a Commodore 64 game from the late 80's titled simply "Australian Football". I could never get that to work on an emulator, but it looked pretty rancid.
In the early 90's came the NES game, Australian Rules Football, it was flogged ad-nauseum during the pre-season comp that year and by the time Round One rolled around every kid in my class had a copy. It wasn't too bad, all things considered, the only notable problem being a lack of a proper season mode unless you had more than one human player and that you couldn't save your games. It also had some terribly generic teams like "Perth" and "Canberra", which just went to show that despite throwing a truckload of money at notorious thug Dermott Brereton to be in their ads they couldn't be arsed shelling out for a proper AFL licence to use the team names. The most notable features were the practice mode, which involved a little kid punting the ball around an empty surburban park - a cute touch - and the boundary umpire who'd appear and say "Out of Bounds, on the full" in the most monotone voice ever whenever the ball was kicked over the line. I guarantee you that if you go up to some 19-22 year-olds and ask them to say "out of bounds on the full" they'd do it in the voice from the game. That cartoon boundary umpire is still a cult-figure to me.
Then the trail went dead for a few years, until early 1995 when the game "Finals Fever" appeared. That's the reason for this post, so we'll come back to it after our cheap and nasty history of AFL computer games has finished.
Next came the AFL 98 games on PC and Playstation. They weren't bad, save a few bugs with the PC version, but even on the hardest difficulty level you'd be thrashing the computer by massive margins within a few hours of picking the game up. Leading Fremantle to the AFL Premiership? Easy as. Even the awful 1997 Melbourne side could be turned into champions after a few hours learning the game. The sequels to these games raised the bar a little bit, but the pissweak learning curve still meant the games replay value was limited.
Kevin Sheedy's AFL Manager in 2002 made the first attempt at introducing a coaching sim to the genre, and it was absolutely shithouse. I've not heard anyone even mention the game in the last year, and I'm tending to assume that means nobody is still playing it.
Currently the flag is flown by the AFL 2003 game, which is pretty awful and has commentary which sounds suspiciously like what you used to get on Megadrive games in the mid 90's and the relatively unknown Footy Fanatic, which is the first decent stab at an AFL management game. It's only ever been let down by some horrifically buggy early versions, the latest edition is supposed to fix most of these but it also had the effect of stopping the game from working on some computers (for instance, mine) so we'll wait a bit longer before passing judgement on that particular game's legacy.
So, back to Finals Fever.
It was easy, very easy. But it was addictive, which is what made it great. In fact, back in the days before computer piracy was widespread and everybody still seemed to own the same games I can't remember too many of my classmates not having it. In fact it seemed that one of them spent his entire weekends seeing how many points he could have Carlton beat Collingwood by, he claimed once to have racked up a 1000 point victory in a full-length game - a claim greeted with both suspicion and pity.
The simulation of the rules was also highly dubious, the only free-kick you could get was for out-on-the-full (without the comedy voices of the NES game), and the whole point to tackling was to press both buttons at once at push the opposition player fair-and-square in the back.
And it had a horrific bug which meant you could insert Brownlow Medallist James Hird into the frankly useless 1996 Melbourne squad.
I played it for the first time in years tonight. Setting up a rematch of Saturday's debacle at Kardinia Park. Geelong stormed into a four goal lead at quarter-time as I struggled to remember how to play the game. Then, led by Gary Lyon and Jeff Farmer who kicked nine goals between them, the Demons (with James Hird, obviously, on the half-back-flank) stormed back to within eight points at the last change and punished the inaccurate Cats with a Todd Viney behind in the dying seconds setting-up a thrilling one point win (10.8.80 to 10.19.79).
It's only after you win a game that you get Finals Fever's best feature, the club theme songs played on a xylophone. It's hard to explain the significance of these performances now, but let me tell you that for a time during the mid 90's every kid in Melbourne went to the footy and wished they'd play the instrumental version of the club song after the game.
Finals Fever only had one major fault. Once you'd played through a full 22 rounds and finished in the top six (as it was then) there were no finals. Yes, that's right in a game called "Finals Fever" they'd neglected to actually put a finals series in it. When the game came out I lived around the corner from the company who created it, I always meant to drop in and ask them what the HELL they were thinking making a mistake like that but I never did. Which is a shame, because I'd like to have heard their explanation.
I also had a bit of a problem with the fact that the game box claimed it was the "ultimate AFL coaching experience", when this turned out to only go as far as shuffling your lineup before a game I was somewhat disappointed. At least you could indulge Neil Balme's ultimate fantasy of finally playing Ivan Bartul. The real-life version refused to cross to Victoria after he was drafted, but in this game you could do whatever you liked with him.
So, if you're nostalgic for the days of Fitzroy and the Brisbane Bears, want to hear some rocking xylophone music and aren't fussed about actually playing off for a Premiership at the end of it all then Footy Fanatic might just be the game for you. It shouldn't be too easy to find somebody who's got a copy sitting around in a box somewhere. You can't have mine though, I think I'm going to keep playing it now.
Sunday, 20 April 2003
Belgium in cynical attempt to shake off it's 'boring' tag;
"The Belgian parliament has voted to legalise the personal use of cannabis, within certain guidelines, for anyone over the age of 18. The move, which has been the subject of fierce debate in Belgium for the last two years, will allow users to smoke small quantities of the drug in private, provided they do not disturb public order. Its sale will, however, remain illegal and Belgium will not tolerate Dutch-style coffee shops selling cannabis over the counter. Hard drugs will continue to be outlawed."
Fair enough too really.
"The Belgian parliament has voted to legalise the personal use of cannabis, within certain guidelines, for anyone over the age of 18. The move, which has been the subject of fierce debate in Belgium for the last two years, will allow users to smoke small quantities of the drug in private, provided they do not disturb public order. Its sale will, however, remain illegal and Belgium will not tolerate Dutch-style coffee shops selling cannabis over the counter. Hard drugs will continue to be outlawed."
Fair enough too really.
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