Random Kountdown Korner

TSP’s all-time, all-argument starting best, and worst, sports logos of all time. All images courtesy of sportslogos.net

In no particular order we present,

The Best

Yomiuri Giants - Japanese Baseball

Note the way that the “Giant” aspect is perfectly put into perspective by the size of bats he’s holding and the city behind him? Read further and you’ll see what happens when designers don’t bother to do this and suddenly you get basketballs big enough to crush Rio De Janerio.



Washington Senators - Baseball


It’s a ye olde founding father senator winding up to hurl a fastball. Genius.

Vancouver Ravens - Lacrosse

Probably the hottest Raven ever invented.

Toledo Mud Hens - Baseball

Never before has any member of the chicken family shown so much concentration.

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Temple Owls

If you’re saddled with designing a logo for a pissweak animal like an Owl, at least make it look like it’s going to kill somebody.

Portland Sea Dogs - Baseball

It’s a dopey looking seal, but this has definately got something going for it.

Plymouth Whalers - Ice Hockey

The greatest blowhole blastoff EVER. Look at the concentration on his face - it’s the little things that make it.

Hartford Whalers - NHL

Speaking of Whalers, it’s the greatest stylised letter logo ever. If there’s ever been a professional sports team that needs to come back you’re looking at it.

Vancouver Canucks - Ice Hockey (1970)

Pong on an Atari 2600. Genius.

Oakland/Los Angeles/Oakland Raiders - NFL

Simple, classic and with a hint of real menace. He’s going to cut your head off and shag your dog.

New Orleans Voodoo - Arena Football League


Super spooky. But also classy!

Nashville Kats - Arena Football League

Sleazy cats don’t always make for the best logos, but when it looks like the Fonz and will probably sell you a key of coke in the carpark afterwards you’ve got to give some respect.

Minnesota Fighting Saints - Ice Hockey

An evil child. Will throw things at your car while you’re driving down the freeway.

Houston EZ-Rider - Tennis

Smokin’ rackets? That’s cool. EZ Rider? That’s just stupid. Lucky we’re not ranking sports team names - being named here would certainly show up that long defunct franchise.

Hawaii Islands - Arena Football League


There aren’t enough logos featuring somebody giving the big “don’t argue” with the left hand.

Hamilton Bulldogs - American Hockey League

The standard by which all sporting bulldogs should be judged. Infinately better than the shitful Footscray version.

Grand Rapids Rampage - Arena Football


By the time you see the rhino it will already have killed you. More likely to happen in Africa than Grand Rapids, but they’re not huge on Arena Football there apparently.

Cleveland Indians - Baseball

The happiest man in sports! No idea why, they never win anything.

Cincinatti Reds - Baseball

Sure, they may have also given us the worst logo ever (keep reading..) but what redemption - his head is a freaking baseball ferchristsake. This guy would get more birds than the Captain in the Flight Centre ad.

Hiroshima Toyo Carp - Japanese Baseball

Look at the sheer determination on that kid’s face! Every organisation which starts with “C” should be stealing this for motivational purposes.

Monmouth University Hawks

He wants you to come to his car. He wants to do things to you.

Toronto Phantoms - Arena Football

A truly terrifying spectre. Sadly the only thing that actually died was the team.

Youngstown University Penguins

That penguin is saying, “yes, I look stupid but mock me and I will DESTROY you”. A formidable opponent against anyone other than a club wielding Polish sailor.

The Worst



Lewiston MAINEiacs - Ice Hockey


So, you’re commissioned to come up with a logo for the worst team name ever. Do you, a) chuck a sickie, or b) create something resembling an inbred simpleton.

Denver Rockets - ABA (1971)

If the rocket is that big, and the mountains are that small - how big does that make the basketball? Frightening.

Denver Nuggets - ABA (1975)

What is it with Denver basketball sides? First the giant rocket, and now the guy who looks like Peter Russell Clarke having just sat on something substantial.

Columbus Crew - MLS

Looks more like a union meeting than a sports logo.

Los Angeles Sharks - World Hockey Association - 1973

Ladies and gentlemen, the porkiest shark of all time. So slow in the water that instead of running in terror when it turns up, people swim around and taunt it instead.

Milwaukee Admirals - American Hockey League


Drawn by a 12-year-old much?

Cleveland Barons - American Hockey League

A tuxedo clad shark with a monocle playing hockey should tick all the boxes for comedy, yet somehow this just falls short.

Cincinatti Reds - Baseball (1960)

First he stole bases, then he stole 12-year-olds from their beds. Horrifying.

Chicago Fire - World Football League (1974)

Dude! Your head is totally on fire!

Las Vegas 51’s - Baseball

I fucking hate aliens.

New England Patriots - NFL (70’s-1992)


Fact, if they actually had somebody who looked like one of the Village People playing Centre in the Superbowl they would have gone 19-0.

Montreal Expos - Baseball (RIP)

I once saw an explanation of this logo on a website. When a logo requires an explanation there’s something seriously wrong.

New England Steamrollers - Arena Football (1988)

It really looks as if he’s humping a car.

Peoria Rivermen - Baseball

Gay sea captains are a marketing dream

Parramatta Power - NSL

Why are they arm wrestling over a football?

Club Marconi - NSL


An italo-themed boomerang and a radi o transmission tower? Did Marconi invent the throwing stick as well?

Portland Storm - World Football League - 1974

What the fuck is that thing? No wonder they only lasted a year.

San Antonio Gunslingers - USFL - 1984

The pansiest looking gunslinger in history. More likely to shoot himself in the kneecap than to successfully hit you in the event of an actual duel.

St. John’s Fog Devils - Ice Hockey

See, I might be a sick person but he seems to be performing unspeakable acts. I don’t want to see that in my sports logos.

Atlanta Apollos - National American Soccer League

In English please?

Carolina Cougars - ABA (1971)


Note to all sports marketing executives - there’s a reason why only one team has ever had a sinister animal rubbing a ball as if he’s trying to read your fortune.

Canton Invaders - Indoor Soccer

HE HAS EMERGED FROM A GIANT SOCCER BALL TO KILL YOUR FAMILY

Tulsa Roughnecks - NASL

Everyone knows that giant Americans with wrenches in their hands are only ever seen near soccer if they’re chasing somebody down the street trying to hit them for playing it.

Boston Lobsters - Tennis

First things first when the hell does anyone have a league for tennis. Secondly I’ve been studying the serving action of the Lobster for hours (or minutes) and I still can’t work out what the hell is going on.

Arkansas Travellers - Baseball

Never include a marketing slogan in your logo.

The Rest

Chattanooga Lookouts - Baseball

Well it does what it says, but don’t you think it’s just a little bit sinister? Like it’s looking at you through your bathroom window or something.

Fukuoka Hawks - Japanese Baseball

Hey, the bird is flipping me off!

Memphis Southmen - USFL

I hate the logo but it’s got a sort of cool Godzilla destroys Tokyo vibe to it.

I’m unsure about this one. I’m not at all terrified by their crazy duck, but he does have a look of determination on his face which says “I’m going to peck your nuts off”.

University of Missouri - Kansas City

This is precisely the sort of “fuck you” fighting Kangaroo logo that North Melbourne should adopt (sans pissy skivvy if possible) rather than the ill-defined thing they’ve got at the moment which may as well be a chicken.

Kountdown Korner

Continuing our series of random musical countdowns*, I give you TSP’s top 25 favourite song openings ever (subject to review after I’ve remembered to put something in later).

1. Pixies - Tame (“Got hips like Cinderella”)

2. Modest Mouse - Float On (“I backed my car into a cop car the other day. Well he just drove off sometimes life’s ok”)

3. TISM - Life Kills (“Who cares about the lives we can save, when we give birth astride a grave”)

4. The Libertines - Time For Heroes (”Did you see the stylish kids in the riot”)

5. Parliament - Bop Gun (Endangered Species) (”En garde! Defend yourself!”)

6. TISM - Pus (“I’ve got troubles with my mother. I’ve got troubles with my wife. I got an apple fritter. Slit my stomach open”)

7. Jimi Hendrix - Voodoo Child (Slight Return) (“Well I stand up next to the mountain. And I chop it down with the edge of my hand”)

8. Alice In Chains - Grind (“In the darkest hole you’d be well advised not to plan my funeral ’til the body dies”)

9. The Clash - Guns Of Brixton (”When they kick out your front door, how you gonna come. With your hands on your head or on the trigger of your gun”)

10. The Teardrop Explodes - Reward (”Bless my cotton socks, I’m on the news”)

11. Oasis - Morning Glory (”All your dreams are made, when you’re chained to the mirror and the razor blade”)

12. The Libertines - Can’t Stand Me Now (”An ending fitting for the start, you twist and tore our love apart”)

13. The Stooges - Search And Destroy (“I’m a street walking cheetah with a heart full of napalm”)

14. The Hold Steady - Chips Ahoy! (”She put nine hundred dollars, on the fifth horse in the sixth race”)

15. Public Image Limited - Disappointed (”Promises. Promises. Old tired worn out second hand sentences”)

16. The Smiths - Shakespeare’s Sister (”Young bones groan and the rocks below say throw your skinny body down son”)

17. Boys Next Door - Shivers (”I’ve been contemplating suicide, but it really doesn’t suit my style”)

18. The Cribs - Men’s Needs (“Have you noticed, I’ve never been impressed by your friends from New York or London”)

19. TISM - If You’re Creative Get Stuffed (”My dad’s a builder, his friend’s a plumber. They’re getting cancer and you can get stuffed”)

20. Marvin Gaye - Let’s Get It On (”I’ve been really trying baby. Trying to hold back these feelings for so long”)

21. The Auteurs - Light Aircraft On Fire (”When you cut your lover’s slack. You’ll get a monster back”)

22. Morrissey - The Last Of The Famous International Playboys (”Dear hero imprisoned. With all the new crimes that you are perfecting”)

23. Ash - Kung Fu (”Kung fu, do what you do to me. Haven’t been the same since my teenage lobotomy”)

24. Pulp - This Is Hardcore (”You were hardcore. You made me hard”)

25. New Order - Bizarre Love Triangle (”Every time I think of you, I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue”)

The rest of the contenders, in no particular order;

The Birthday Party - Release The Bats (”Rowwwwwwwr bite! Rowwwwwr bite!”)

The Smiths - Never Had Nobody Ever (”When you walk without ease. On these streets where you were raised”)

Blur - Parklife (”Confidence is a preference for the habitual voyeur of what is known as…”)

Gary Numan - M.E (”M.E, I eat dust. We’re all so run down”)

Boy Kill Boy - Suzie (”This is not a movie. Things just ain’t the same as your favourite video”)

Depeche Mode - Personal Jesus (”Reach out, touch faith”)

James - Laid (”This bed is on fire with passionate love. The neighbours complain about the noises above”)

Spinal Tap - Sex Farm (”Working on a sex farm. Trying to raise some hard love. Getting out my pitch fork. Poking your hay”)

The Killers - Somebody Told Me (”Breaking my back just to know your name”)

TISM - Let’s Club It To Death (”Excuse me can I have this dance, there’s an ill wind blowing in my pants. My friends call me John but you can call me Breaker Morant”)

Weezer - Buddy Holly (”What’s with these homies dissing my girl?”)

New Order - Blue Monday (”How does it feel, to treat me like you do”)

Morrissey - Boxers (”Losing in front of your home crowd. You wish the ground would open up and take you down”)

Archie Bell and the Drells - Strategy (”Said it’s up to me, to come up with a strategy to make you mine”)

The Smiths - There Is A Light That Never Goes Out (”Take me out tonight. Where’s there’s music and there’s people and they’re young and alive”)

Menswear - I’ll Manage Somehow (”Catch the bus by half past three, otherwise you find you’re walking home. The forecast is for rain”)

Shudder To Think - Hot One (”Well you’re the grand one. Have you noticed, when you’re walking all the fairy boys are very nervous”)

Ok Go - Invincible (”When they finally come to destroy the earth they’ll have to go through you first, and I bet they wont be expecting that”)

Beasts Of Bourbon - Chase The Dragon (”I brought back a souvenir, all the way from Kampuchea”)

Robert Wyatt/Elvis Costello/Suede et al - Shipbuilding (”Is it worth it? A new winter coat and shoes for the wife”)

Electric Six - Danger! High Voltage (”Fire in the disco, fire in the Taco Bill”)

Squeeze - Up The Junction (”I never thought it would happen, with me and the girl from Clapham”)

Happy Mondays - Tart Tart (”When he came out of the lockup, he said I’m looking for something better”)

Kenickie - Come Out 2 Nite (”We dress cheap, we dress tacky. We dance for thrills, our nights out get nasty”)

Lou Reed - Vicious (”Vicious. You hit me with a flower. You do it every hour”)

Manic Street Preachers - A Design For Life (”Libraries gave us power”)

The Ramones - Commando (”They do their best, they do what they can. They get them ready for Vietnam”)

Sparks - This Town Ain’t Big Enough For Both Of Us (”Zoo time is she and you time. The mammals are your favourite type, and you want her tonight”)

Shampoo - Bouffant Headbutt (”You ain’t so sweet. You ain’t so innocent. Just a piece of meat”)

Oasis - Cigarettes and Alcohol (”Is it my imagination, or have I finally found something worth living for”)

Pulp - Sorted for E’s and Whizz (”Oh is the way they say the future’s supposed to feel. Or just 20,000 people standing in a field?”)

REM - It’s The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine) (”That’s great it starts with an earthquake. Birds and snakes and aeroplanes”)

Suede - The Drowners (”Won’t someone give me a gun”)

TISM - Martin Scorcese Is Really Quite A Jovial Fellow (”Howdy champ you’ve been pickin’ the daisies. Feeling sort of morally lazy”)

The Smiths - Handsome Devil (”Oh the streets are crammed with things eager to be held”)

The White Stripes - Dead Leaves And The Dirty Ground (”Dead Leaves And The Dirty Ground when I know you’re not around”)

The White Stripes - Hotel Yorba (”I was watching with one eye on the other side. I had fifteen people telling me to move, I had moving on my mind”)

The Smiths - I Know It’s Over (”Oh mother I can feel the soil falling over my head”)

The Smiths - London (”Smoke lingers round your fingers”)

TISM - Greg! The Stop Sign! (”The guy who slagged the football team, those yobs were not for him. He turns into a real estate agent who believes in discipline”)

The Rentals - Friends Of P (”I’m a good guy for a gal, so won’t you look my palm over”)

Burke and Wills Award winner for services to geographical confusion.
Alex Chilton - Bangkok (”Here’s a little thing that’s gonna please ‘ya. Just a little town in Indonesia. Bangkok”.)

William Shatner Award winners for spoken word intros
Happy Mondays - Brain Dead (”You’re rendering that scaffolding dangerous!”)
Frankie Goes To Hollywood - Two Tribes (”When you hear the air attack warning you and your family must take cover”)
Johnny Cash - Folsom Prison Blues (”Hello, I’m Johnny Cash”)
Mike Mareen - Agent Of Liberty (*phone rings* “Hello, Agent of Liberty. Can I help you? *FURIOUS ITALO DISCO FOR 9 MINUTES*)
Milli Vanilli - Baby Don’t Forget My Number (”Ok Eddie, this one’s for you”)
Morrissey - First Of The Gang To Die (”Los Angeles! You are too hot”)
Morrissey - Sorrow Will Come In The End (”Legalised theft, leaves me bereft”)
Pixies - I’m Amazed (”… all I know is that there were rumors he was into field hockey players”)
Sash - Stay (”I had a dream last night. You were there”)
Smashing Pumpkins - Bullet With Butterfly Wings (”The world is a vampire”)
Snoop Dogg - Ain’t No Fun If The Homies Can’t Get Some (”You’re back at the Jack Off Hour. This is DJ Easy Dick”)
The Sex Pistols - Holidays In The Sun (”Cheap holiday in other people’s misery!”)