Angst

Sometimes I think it would nice to be one of those people you see who are completely unaware of their own insanity. They're completely barking mad and the rest of the world knows it, but they don't - and they're happy.

The idea of not having to worry about anything appeals to me.

Arise, next PM

Further reasons why Mark Latham should be PM,

Mr Latham seemed surprised to learn the phrase 'skanky ho' was a rap term used to describe a smelly whore.

"I don't know much about rap music, I'm a Meatloaf fan," he said.

Skanky ho? Hero! Expect his campaign song to be "I'll Do Anything For Love, But I Won't Do That". What 'that' refers to is up to your imagination (belting taxi drivers probably).

Rip Barry, welcome back Taylor

I missed the tragic passing of Barry White a few days ago. It's terrible, but at least it means that the long awaited comeback of Taylor Dayne can't be far away.

Incidentally I saw a greyhound once named after her - which I thought was potentially a tad harsh. Funny though. Much like her chart career it started out well and fell over on the first turn.

Hypocrites!

Best
article
ever.

Sadly I don't have the link to this, but it's a classic nonetheless. The NSL is being advertised to a worldwide audience!

SCOTTISH SUNDAY MAIL

FOOTBALL: I FLED OZ RACE HATE AND MOB VIOLENCE Jul 6 2003

PATRICK KISNORBO spoke last night of his delight at joining Hearts while leaving behind a shambles of race hatred, corruption and mob violence in Australia.

The 22-year-old South Melbourne defender signed a two-year deal at
Tynecastle on Wednesday after trials at Leeds, Hammerby and FC Lorient.

And he's delighted to be given the chance to follow in the footsteps of
compatriots Craig Moore, Tony Vidmar and Mark Viduka in Scotland.

Not only does UEFA Cup football appeal to Kisnorbo, however, so does
leaving behind the constant dramas of the shambolic National Soccer
League in Australia.

The international stopper, capped five times, recalled how he and his
terrified family were caught up in ethnic violence between Greeks and
Macedonians during a FRIENDLY.

He also lifted the lid on the corruption and fraud that has seen massive financial losses for clubs and criminal investigations into senior Soccer Australia officials.

Kisnorbo said: "There is no money, funding, resources or inspiration for kids to do well.

"The NSL is not the best," added the player who is half Italian, half
Mauritian. "They tried to solve the ethnic problem by changing team
names but it has done nothing.

"There's a lot of crowd violence, especially in the derbies between
South Melbourne and Melbourne Knights.

"But the worst was when we played a charity match against Preston.
They're a Macedonian team and they and the Greeks don't mix.

"The pitch was invaded and they had to call the game off. It was
unbelievable.

"Now I'm just happy to have left all that behind and to have the chance
to prove myself with Hearts."

That's right, the country where Celtic and Rangers fans punch-on multiple times annually in the name of religion are taking a high-and-mighty view of soccer violence.

Obligatory monday morning AFL post

So, I went to the football yesterday. Optus fricking Oval of all places, and what a complete and unmitigated slum it is. Interstate readers will probably not understand just how shonky and evil this facility is because on the off chance that they actually come over to watch a game there the crowd will always be at manageable and comfortable levels. When you put two Melbourne teams together, even one with no fans like ours, the place becomes a nightmare. I showed up at 1.30 (yeah, arrive early be damned - I only woke up at 12:30 ok?) to find all the general admission tickets were sold and I had to pay through the nose for a seat in the "Legends" stand. As much as the idea of helping to pay off John Elliot's folly of a construction deal distressed me greatly I couldn't stand to miss Melbourne so I forked over $25 (thanks student concession card. Muhahahahaha!) and took my seat.

Now, I thought I had it bad getting in there five minutes before the first bounce and having to sit amongst a bunch of idiot Carlton fans but when people were still coming in and taking their seats 29 minutes into the first quarter it made me feel a whole lot better about my situation. The place was absolutely packed. It reminded me of the time at work when we were doing some point duty shit at Optus before a match and the supervisor went "They're expecting a big crowd today, something in excess of 45,000" and I said "Well, that'll be impressive considering it only fits 30,000". Much hilarity ensued, but as I packed in with every man and his/her dog yesterday I wondered whether or not they actually had found a way to shoehorn 40,000 people in.

So how many people were actually in this crush load, near capacity, hand over all your valuables and mortgage your kidney for the right to have a seat audience? 25,000. People laugh when we get that crowd at the MCG, but here it was like being herded into a prison train and transported halfway across Europe. May we never set foot in that stadium again.

There was, however, one shining light to our days experience. After racking up a 27 point lead at 3/4 time Carlton shut up shop and we stormed home to win by seven. It was very much reminiscent of that final in 2000 when they did the same thing before Brad Green went ballistic in the last quarter and we won. He kicked the winning goal again yesterday, Carlton fans must be having nightmares about him. Neitz kicked five goals, four points, one out on the full and one inexplicable pass to the worst kick in the team Simon Godfrey (who is still a genius). The old man Mick Martyn was completely overwhelmed, and bizarrely enough Pagan didn't take him off the goalkicking machine until the fourth quarter avalanche was well and truly in action.

Two in a row. Are we bound for the finals? Not in the slighest. Could this be saving Daniher's job? Possibly, though I'm still convinced we'll benefit from a new coach at the end of the year. Who cares for now? We'll show up and play North Melbourne next Sunday and, depending on whether we play like the 1st, 2nd and 3rd or the 4th quarter yesterday, we'll see just what our season holds.

Unaustralian

It's amazing how Australia suddenly fell in love with Mark Phillapousis again when it turned out he was actually not a complete tennis dud. Well, almost all of Australia did because he still annoys the crap out of me - and that's why I laughed heartily when Roger Federer won the Wimbledon mens final tonight. Not that I watched you understand, preface it with an AFC and you might have some chance but not for a tennis tournament.

Back to the Scud - "Oh but he's so mature now" they cry. These being the same people who would have Queen of Whinge Jelena Dokic and her nutty dad back if it guaranteed the Women's Grand Slam success that our country so desperately needs for it's future wellbeing.

I say bring back the hapless tennis strugglers like Wally Masur, Jason Stoltenberg and Rachel McQuillan for whom a spot in the third round was the equivalent of winning Wimbledon, the French Open and, god damn it, the Melbourne Cup at the same time. Those were the days.

Half assed video game tribute

One of the most criminally underrated arcade games in history is Ring King. From 1985 this boxing game revolutionised the way we thought about fighting sports in video games, it wasn't until the Mortal Kombat/Street Fighter II invasion of six years later that it was firmly overshadowed in the gameplay stakes. 

 I first played it in an arcade on the Gold Coast in the early 90s, and was hooked. When an NES version suddenly appeared (and it was immediately borrowed from ABC Video in Camberwell, a venture now replaced by a $2 shop) expectations were high, but ultimately unfulfilled. 

To put it mildly the Nintendo version was absolutely shite, with none of the charm of the original. In the coin-op version you'd punch on with sensationally named people like "Violence Jo" and "Brown Pants" whereas on the Nintendo it would be E.Apollo or A.Madman (ha ha! Get it? A madman!). They also added some kind of shitty 'simulation' mode to try and rope real boxing fans in. Anyone who is familiar with the NES will know that for all its good points it was NOT the system you wanted to be running a realistic simulation of anything on. 

Anyway, are we supposed to be discussing the shonky NES version here? I think not. The sound effects in the original are nothing short of genius. A typical punching/knockdown combo sounds something like *whack* *whack* *whack* *wheeeeeeeeeeeee!* as your opponent flies halfway across the ring, bounces off the ropes and lands face first on the mat for the balding, Village People rip-off referee to start counting. 

When you win your boxer (known creatively as "Player") does a little dance in the middle of the ring to a celebratory tune and you start racking up cash. Sure, the moveset is a tad limited and the only real strategy is to smack the two buttons as quickly as is humanely possible and once in a while run away from your opponent to reload before launching another attack but it still works. If only because every time one of the boxers is punched his hair explodes in a Don King like fashion. And the ultimate? It plays a sensationally Atari-esque version of "Baby Elephant Walk" over the high score list for no apparent reason. 

Ring King - Approved.

Fun with Google

Google Zeitgeist is always an entertaining read, but sometimes they like to state the bleeding obvious;

Top Kentucky Derby Queries - May 2003
1. kentucky derby

Thanks for that!

Meanwhile Chicken has moved up to third in the "Top Food Queries" and Nelson Mandela is, for some unknown reason, the fifth most searched for person by Australians this month.

Also - has anyone else noticed how they've started automatically redirecting you to Google Australia now even if you don't type in the .au? They were doing this a few months ago and then stopped but it's back on now. If I really cared about an 'Australian' search engine I'd put in the effort to type .au at the end, clearly I don't care yet they still send me there with no option to stop it. Wankers.

Is Camberwell the new Los Angeles?

Well, maybe not. But we've got a new Subway and a new TAB. This rivals the building booms of ten years ago when Blockbuster suddenly appeared and that of five years ago when Safeway and Target swapped places (no, really) and seven different versions of banks and chemists suddenly opened. Speaking of this fine suburb I noticed in the paper today that the old Camberwell Cobras of the VFA are holding their "Team of the Century Reunion" on August 2nd at the Camberwell Civic Center. I miss them, they might have been pounded on a pretty much weekly basis for the last five years of their existence (see below) but at least they were honest and local. Some of the more fearful beatings copped included six of the VFA/VFL's all time top scores for a game. 1st. 55.17(347) Williamstown d. Camberwell (10.08.86) 2nd. 46.21 (297) Coburg d. Camberwell (07.05.89) 5th. 42.20 (272) Port Melbourne d. Camberwell (13.04.86) 6th. 43.12 (270) Preston d. Camberwell (28.05.89) 9th. 39.19 (253) Williamstown d. Camberwell (20.08.89) 10th. 38.24 (252) Williamstown d. Camberwell (01.06.86) Bring them back! UPDATE - From an email I just got, The following day (Sunday) we will be opening the bar at the Camberwell Sports Ground to unveil the Team Of The Century plaque, critique the selectors’ choices and screen Camberwell Grand Final highlights on the big screen. It will commence at 11am and conclude around 3pm. This will cost $15 per person and includes a BBQ lunch (drinks available at bar prices). I am SO going to that.

It's not even April 1st

I love Centrebet, and not just because they gave me a thousand dollars once. No, the reason is because of betting options like this, 2003 Wife Carrying World Championships UUSORG/SOLL (ESTONIA) 2.10 MIETTINEN/STENBERG (FINLAND) 3.00 UNDREST/UNDREST (ESTONIA) 5.00 UUSORG/LÖÖMETS (ESTONIA) 5.00 STRAATMANN/STRAATMANN (USA) 11.00 AMMITZBÖLL/SKAUNSGAARD (DENMARK) 13.00 JUSSILA/JUSSILA (FINLAND) 13.00 ROBERTS/GALVIN (IRELAND) 19.00 LINDROOS/LINDROOS (FINLAND) 21.00 SUTINEN/SUTINEN (FINLAND) 21.00 WINTER/WILLOUGHBY (UK) 21.00 VÄISÄNEN/KORHONEN (FINLAND) 26.00 JUNTUNEN/HAAVIKKO (FINLAND) 34.00 WRAY/RANTALA (UK/FINLAND) 34.00 SAVOLAINEN/SAVOLAINEN (FINLAND) 41.00 MIETTINEN/HARTIKAINEN (FINLAND) 51.00 RASILA/HEUKKINEN (FINLAND) 51.00 JARVA/HIRVIKOSKI (FINLAND) 61.00 JUNTUNEN/KINNUNEN (FINLAND) 61.00 KOISTINEN/KOISTINEN (FINLAND) 61.00 RISKI/ROSSI (FINLAND) 67.00 HERRA 47/MISS UNKNOWN (FINLAND) 101.00 I'm a bit dubious about the qualification standard that allows somebody called "Miss Unknown" to enter (and how can she be MISS if she's married eh? SCANDAL!) so I think I'll have to put my hard earned dollar on the Straatman family of the US to pull off an upset victory. There's also betting on the winning time (55 seconds or less is the current favourite) and whether or not a world record is going down No, I am NOT making this up (website). It's on tomorrow.

That will hurt

Is this the highest footy score ever? VFA 3rd's - July 23rd, 1983 Williamstown 15.9 44.17 76.20 110.27 (687) Geelong West 1.0 1.0 2.0 2.0 (12) Yes punters, that's a 33 goal final term. OUCH!

Wtf?

This is odd;

A 40-year-old registered nurse was found guilty last week of public lewdness for engaging in a ménage á trois with relatives on a moving Long Island Rail Road train last September.

The jury determined that Dennis Greene copulated with his sister-in-law, Francine Greene, 40, while she was performing oral sex on her husband, Lyle Greene, 41, a plumber. Dennis Greene denied his involvement in the sexual escapades, saying he slept through most of the ride.

The three were busted by LIRR cops in September after engaging in a group sex act during an early morning train ride from Manhattan. Several disgusted passengers complained to the conductor, but the Greenes carried on even after the conductor told them to stop, authorities said.

Would it have been better if the train were stationary at the time? Train freaks rejoice!

Elect a mentalist

What kind of psychopath would decide that George W Bush isn't right-wing enough and run against him for the Republican nomination? These idiots for starters. (Note from the future - the link to the site that originally housed these profiles has disappeared, I believe they were from politics1.com).

Thomas Fabish

Fabish is making his fourth run for President in 2004. Fabish previously ran in 1992, 1996 and 2000. In 1992, he actually qualified for the New Hampshire primary ballot -- and finished in 31st place (25 votes).

Reverend Jack Fellure 

Fellure believes that President George H.W. Bush was responsible for fanning "the flames of international, Satanic, Marxist socialism to the exclusion of our national sovereignty." Further, Fellure said that President Clinton subsequently "shifted into overdrive the socialistic, Marxist New World Order agenda." He says our country is "being destroyed by atheists, Marxists, liberals, queers, liars, draft-dodgers, flag-burners, dope addicts, sex perverts and anti-Christians." 

Michael Idrogo 

His campaign site reads like a Navy recruitment poster: "I fully support the finest Navy in the world and ALL service members and Veterans! ... Our newest Navy aircraft carriers -- 90,000 tons of diplomacy! Our UNITED STATES NAVY ... ANYTIME! ... ANYWHERE!" You can also find other odds-and-ends on his site ranging from a statement supporting a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage to a recent picture of Idrogo with a metal detector in Dealy Plaza in Dallas "searching for the truth" about the 1963 JFK assassination. 

Donnie Kennedy

Kennedy would like to use primary federal matching funds to explain "why the South was and is right!" In the aftermath of the GOP leadership dumping Senator Trent Lott's as Majority Leader for his warm comments about Strom Thurmond's 1948 segregationist Presidential campaign -- particularly Bush's role helping to push Lott out -- Kennedy decided in January 2003 to file federal paperwork to make the run. Kennedy plans to only seek ballot status only in Southern primary states. 

Millie Howard 

Millie Howard, who ran previously ran for President in 1992, 1996 and 2000, is making a fourth bid in 2004. In fact, her flexible slogan of "Millie Howard for President USA 1992 and Beyond" is easily adaptable to as many runs as Howard desires to make. 

Louis Rapuano Jr. 

Louis Rapuano is making his second run for President in 2004. In 2000, he briefly flirted with a White House run. This time, he's partially filed FEC paperwork four times to run -- four times, that is, because he's yet to file a completed form with the FEC. Usually, he takes the first page of the form, writes his name and address on it, and then attaches various handwritten notes about how his campaign is coming along. From his notes, he attended some college and "helps out" with his local town GOP organization. As for his net worth, he stated on questionnaire: "$25 in savings account." In case you were wondering, his political hero is Ronald Reagan and his favorite movie is Rambo. 

Then there's people who previously announced they were having a crack but quit because they're even more bonkers than the ones still running

Yehanna Joan M.M. Malone 

In her August 2002 withdrawal letter to the FEC, she wrote that she decided to attend college and earn a bachelor's degree in religious studies as a better way to "serve my God-Trinity, my Savior Jesus Christ, be more like him, and truly make a difference in this world ... Politicians have done nothing but steal from me." 

Kenneth Stremsky 

"I discuss human rights on page two of this website ... Page nine of this website has some samples of my sense of humour and my creativity ... I discuss unions on page fifteen of this website ... I am willing to answer most questions that do not deal with my health, my family, and my sex life ... I am a Renaissance person and I may answer questions truthfully in different ways at different times ... I have been in awe of the nude adult woman art form since I was a child when I used to look at paintings, pictures, and drawings of women in magazines and books ... I may pose for a nude adult art class at a college in the future ...." 

Then there's the Democratic contenders:

Yesterday we took a look at the fruitcake contingent running for the Republican presidential nomination. Today, in the interest of fair and balanced political reporting we'll check out some of the weirdos who have decided that the Democratic nomination is ripe for the picking. It's only 389 days until the Democratic National Convention! Will one of these people be there claiming victory? Probably, even if they've recieved 25 votes between them.

Thanks again to Politics1.com let's meet some lefty loons.

Warren Ashe

From the information he filed with Project Vote Smart, Mr. Ashe appears to be one of the more ... umm ... eccentric candidates in the 2004 race. Ashe says he holds a doctorate degree from North Carolina State University. Then again, Ashe also claims to have been "President, United Nations, 1973-2003 ... Appointed President, United States White House, 1981-2003 ... Candidate, United States President, 2000 ... Vice President, West Wing - Carter Administration, 1977-1981 ... [and] Vice President, West Wing - Ford Administration, 1973-1977." He also claims to be a Navy veteran, an Army veteran AND an Air Force veteran. And he writes he owns a $40 million corporation, too.

Jerry Beck

Beck says the current welfare system "supports the undeserving and does not help the hardworking man down on his luck." His other concern is restoring prayer to public schools to affirm moral values. Beck previously ran for President in 1996 and 2000, but failed to secure ballot status in any primary states.

Sanderson Beck

His platform can be summed up in the following statement: "We need to learn how to make peace and establish justice ... by protecting everyone's rights, learning how to share our wealth rather than merely exploit people, and trust in democratic institutions that recognize the votes of all. We need a steady process of disarmament with very careful inspection so that no individual, group, or state can terrorize other people. Finally, we need world democracy that can enforce law fairly for all, not a group of powerful nations imposing their selfish will with national military forces."

James Bollinger

Mr. Bollinger also seems to have exaggerated his credentials a bit. Bollinger claims he is former Assistant Secretary of the Navy, Assistant Advisor to the United States Mint, Under Secretary of [Not Specified Department] for Economic Affairs, Business Advisor to Congress, and "Bird Watcher, Forest Service United States."

Willie Carter

His political experience seems limited to his membership in the Gardena Valley Democratic Club of Southern California.

Randolph Crow

In an email to Politics1 in 2000, Crow explained his motives: "I am involved in politics to get rid of filthy communists and lots of others." He also believes the FBI blew up TWA Flight 800 with a laser and shot down Missouri Governor Mel Carnahan's 2000 campaign plane. On his website, Crow repeatedly expresses open hatred towards Jews (Example: "Vietnam was a zioni$t manipulated War designed to kill our Christian kids and install na$i communi$t zioni$m in the Vietnam region"). 

Most of the contents of Crow's site, however, appear to be rambling conspiracy tirades against various envisioned enemies: "It has been 13 years since the FBI fessed up to the fact they were investigating me. All my files are classified ... In 1994 the Federal Force manipulated a bunch of mess which questioned my sanity ... I think the Force had some weird blood work done on me or possibly put a computer chip in me." Crow was upset that we quoted these various passages so he printed a rather long, rambling screed on the site denouncing Politics1 as a "zioni$t" tool out to destroy him (he even attacked us for referring to him above as -- gasp -- a "former realtor" because, he notes, he only dabbled in real estate in the past).

Albert Hamburg

Perennial candidate Al Hamburg has lost 14 consecutive bids for President and for Governor, US Senate and Congress. He proudly describes himself as the "Very Independent UNPOPULAR Candidate" -- unpopular, he explains, because the special interests and bureaucrats hate him (well, that ... and maybe also because of the Nazi helmet he's wearing in his photo).

James Prattas

His autobiographic story -- from his 2000 campaign site -- told of near death experiences (including meeting God and seeing angels), meeting celebrities, his fights with the US military after being wounded in Vietnam, death threats against him by the Hawaiian Mafia, a plot by President G.H.W. Bush's friends to have him arrested when he wanted to challenge Bush in the 1992 race, his past use of marijuana, his divorce, and more.

Oloveuse Savior

Ole Savior, an eccentric artist and poet, has been a frequent candidate in Minnesota over the years for many federal, state and local offices. He usually finishes around the back the of the pack -- but he keeps on running. His top three concerns are a "nuclear-free world, [ending] world hunger, and better education for all mankind." His favorite movie is The Terminator, his favorite TV show is X-Files and his favorite book is the Bible's Book of Revelations. If elected, he promises to "create a new and more peaceful world for the next generation of children."

And their withdrawn candidates...

Steven Malloy

Malloy filed FEC paperwork in 2001 declaring his "world wide" candidacy for President. In April 2003, he sent the FEC a letter "retracting" his candidacy.

Kenneth McFaddin

Kenneth McFaddin reported to the FEC that he raised just $25 for his campaign, before he withdrew from the race in September 2002.

And finally... the characters from the minor parties. Strap yourselves in for a wild ride.

Jeffrey Diket (Libertarian)

This is one candidate who clearly dislikes the "Libertarian Party is Pro-Choice on Everything" buttons sold on the national party's website. Jeffrey Diket -- a social conservative seemingly at odds with much of the LP's views -- announced his candidacy for the LP Presidential nomination in April 2003. Diket told the LP News he is running as a "pro-life, anti-communist" candidate. Diket said he will focus his campaign on "the abortion issue, limitation of government through financial means, foreign policy, and the drug war." In what is clearly a slap at the party's laissez faire embrace of the gay community, Diket vows that he will "seek the support of advocates of family values instead of deviates." Diket also seeming opposes the LP's desire to legalize narcotics -- as he supports "the use of drugs to cure diseases instead of catering to addicts." Diket, 57 and legally blind, holds a master's degree in medieval history and is a freelance jazz musician in New Orleans.

Dave Hollist (Libertarian)

"If you vote for me to become the President, I will work to protect all Americans from anyone who tries to rob us. I will introduce contract insurance, which is a way that we can operate our government without taxation. During the last century, Americans eliminated the disease of slavery from our beautiful nation. This century, we should eliminate taxes,"

L. Neil Smith (Libertarian)

L. Neil Smith, a published science fiction novelist with a libertarian ideological bent, was initially the subject of a supposed draft campaign in 2000. Calling themselves the "Ad Hoc Conspiracy to Draft L. Neil Smith," they tried to generate support to "convince" Smith to run. Although the organizers initially wanted Smith to seek the Liberarian Party nomination, a cranky Smith first said he would rather run as an Independent. Although a LP member, Smith said he would not likely seek the LP nod because "the clique that owns the party would still find an excuse to reject my candidacy." Instead, Smith told the draft organizers he would run for President as an Independent if they first collect 1,000,000 signatures of voters urging him to run. Later, Smith issued a new statement clarifying that he would agree to run as the LP nominee if his supporters could secure him the 2000 nomination. Smith also sent this message for the Draft Committee: "For now, if you wish to help, buy my books ." That -- and numerous other similar comments and posting -- made it clear that Smith was directly involved in the efforts of the so-called "draft" campaign and was actively seeking the LP nomination.

Julian Heicklen (Libertarian)

At Penn State, the colorful Heicklen -- who calls the War on Drugs "ridiculous" -- organized weekly "Marijuana Smoke Outs". He has publicly smoked marijuana to defy the Drug War, sued various government agencies for violating the Constitution, participated in non-violent sit-ins, and been arrested many times for defying restrictions on free speech and public assembly. He hoped to organize a grassroots effort to win the nomination, but found the task too daunting.

Earl Dodge (Prohibition Party)

Earl Dodge has been National Chairman of the Prohibition Party since 1979 (and he did a stint as National Chair once before in 1958-62). He has also been the party's nominee for President five times in the past, for Vice President twice, for US Senate, and five times for Colorado Governor. Dodge told Politics1 in February 2002 that he will again be the party's Presidential nominee for 2004 "unless we can find someone better." Apparently, the party didn't "find someone better" because Dodge is making his sixth White House bid as the party's nominee for President.

E. Geoff Braasch (Socialist)

He wants to use his campaign to "bring the message [of socialism] to the picket lines, union halls, churches, universities and colleges, farms, parks. We will go door to door in the working class neighborhoods as well as in the inner cities." He also vows that -- if nominated -- he will be "full-time" candidate for President.

Barbara Garson (Socialist)

Barbara Garson -- a Pulitzer Prize winning journalist, author and playwright -- was the SP-USA's replacement nominee for Vice President in 1992 (after the original nominee died). Both the Greens and the Socialists have tried unsuccessfully to draft this self-described "little old Jewish lady" in recent years to run for various offices.

David McReynolds (Socialist)

McReynolds likes to describe himself as "a badly read Marxist and a Gandhian pacifist" who "never found the perfect formula to blend Marx and Gandhi." Born in 1929, McReynolds emailed Politics1 that we could also add to his profile: "Homosexual, no children. Lives with two Siamese cats in East Village since 1956. Religious Atheist."

AJ Albritton (American Republican Party)

Albritton describes the purpose of his campaign as follows: "The American candidate who is also the Victorian Candidate. The Victorian Era to be the New Model Victorian Era -- from the male point of view." Huh? He promises a "new model Star Spangled Banner" and relocation of the federal capitol.

Joseph Bellis III (America's Party)

Bellis says he is a "strict constructionist conservative." He wants to outlaw all abortions, end federal involvement in public education, transfer most crime-fighting powers to the states, withdraw the US from the United Nations and the World Bank, cancel the NAFTA and GATT treaties, tighten immigration restrictions, repeal the 16th amendment (and abolish the IRS), and block "the socialization of American medicine." He vows to run an "internet-based campaign." And he's changed his slogan again -- now he's "The Quiet Voice for a Conservative America."

Henri Calitri (Independant)

Henri Calitri sent Politics1 a lengthy, handwritten note explaining that he plans to run for President in 2004. It also set forth his rather ... umm ... unusual platform. Here are some excerpts from Calitri's note: "My political party believes in expressing as many laws to put forth as can possibly be conceived ... My dreams consist of forming a unit composed of a modern couple who will assimilate information on the magic techniques of penis enlargement through articles in popular magazines and medical journals ... I am looking forward to creating a large research office in discovering immortality for a human being to live till the age of 925 years ... At this time, I believe that I must become the President of the United States of America, or something similar, to be able to effectively do this. I want human beings to survive, most certainly on earth, as a beautiful organism, in sync with all aliens also living in this zone of space, occuring in the dimension [of] Hell." Huh? From other info found on the net, Calitri is apparently an Aries, a tow truck operator and involved in pagan/wiccan groups. He's also written an article about how tow trucks would have been useful to the ancient Egyptians during the building of the great pyramids.

Fred Cook (Independant)

After briefly contemplating a run for Congress, retired school teacher Fred Cook decided to instead make a write-in bid for President in 2000 after "nearly 50 people showed up at my front door ... [and] urged me to run for political office." By March 2000, Cook boasted that he was going to "steal the election away" because a "national online poll" had him at 34%. Of course, the poll he referenced was the one he himself conducted on his own web site! Needless to say, his 2000 campaign fizzled (he claims he won 4,217 write-in votes -- but official election statistics compiled by the FEC and others reflect that he won only a handful of write-in votes).

John Galt Jr. (Independant)

A writer, this candidate explains that he assumed the identity "John Galt Jr." several years ago after being deeply influenced by the John Galt character in Ayn Rand's classic libertarian novel Atlas Shrugged. Galt is waging a write-in campaign for President in 2004, just as he did in 2000.

Jack Grimes (United Facist Union)

Jack Grimes -- who previously ran for President as a write-in candidate in 2000 -- bills himself as the "Leader and Director of the United Fascist Union." As for his use of the word "Fascist," Grimes explains he wants to restore a New World Order based upon the governmental style of Imperial Rome "to institute a military dictatorship form of government over the Earth." Grimes believes that "the psychic is the next great step in the evolution of humankind on this planet." And it gets more weird: Grimes wants to address "the dilemmas now facing America and the whole of Western civilization: Democracy, Christianity, International Capitalism, Earth Changes, U.F.O.'s, government cover-ups, and others." Citing to Cayce and Nostradamus, Grimes predicts that "the United States will be reduced from its present size to a small triangular-shaped land mass through the loss of many of its coastal states."

Keith Judd (Independant)

Judd, who described himself as a bongo drums "musician" when he last ran for office, was a write-in candidate for Albuquerque Mayor in 1993. Judd attempted to qualify as a write-in candidate for New Mexico Governor in 1994, but abandoned that race. In 2000, he filed paperwork to run as a write-in candidate -- but showed no signs of waging any campaign. Judd -- who has since moved to a new state -- filed paperwork in Florida to again run as a write-in candidate for President in 2004.

Muadin (E-Democratic Party)

Muadin -- yup, he just uses one name -- is an announced write-in candidate for President. What does he stand for? Here are his own words:

"The people of earth must use the Internet to network and organize at the grassroots level, outside of the corporate global power structure, in a leaderless revolution of awareness and ideas, a second enlightenment, aimed at establishing e-democracy at every level of human government and in every aspect of human society and affairs. The e-democratic spirit of this leaderless cyber-revolution must culminate in a planetary e-democratic federal government through which all executive, legislative, judicial, and economic power ultimately rests directly in the hands of the people of earth." This focus includes is a requirement that Congressmen and US Senators must vote based upon e-votes on each issue cast by their constitutuents -- and that the federal government be changed from three branches into five branches (don't ask!). Other positions in his platform include a 10% flat tax, abolition of the death penalty, a constitutional ban on political parties (so all candidates must run as Independents), federal term limits, separate national election of the Vice President, repeal of the Second Amendment (gun rights) ... in fact, when we last checked, Muadin was proposing 18 constitutional amendments. If you dig through Muadin's off-beat campaign site, you can also find pix of Muadin badly cropped into poses in the White House ... and a picture of "future First Lady" Jessica Muadin (who, unlike her husband, has a full name). Muadin describes himself as a motivational speaker and President of the Planet Pilgrims Center for E-Democracy and Planetary Awareness.

Andisheh Nouraee (Independant)

Andy -- as he is simply identified throughout his campaign web site -- waged a rather racy and unusual run for President in 2000. Along with links to music and photography interests, Andy's site also gave "shopping" tips to would-be Y2K looters ("Steel garbage cans aren’t just useful for breaking storefront windows, you can also use them to carry away looted goods"). He also recommends an array of rather graphic sex books in the "notebook" section of his site. Among his various campaign slogans: "I'm So F***ing President", "Putting the 'racy' back in democracy" and "Putting the 'vice' back in service." In his humorous 2000 concession speech -- posted on the site in English and Spanish -- he wrote that he plans to "resume the writing and distribution of petulant, self-serving essays with the intent of positioning myself well for winning the presidency in 2004." Presumably, that means a second run is in the works.

Jeffrey Peters (Independant)

Peters grabbed a few headlines in October 2000 with his "Boston TV Party" -- when he vowed to dump some TV sets into Boston harbor to protest the exclusion of third party candidates (like himself) from the first Bush-Gore Presidential Debate in Boston.

Andrew Rotramel (Independant)

It's hard to take a Presidential candidate seriously when his campaign site is peppered with comments like "When I die, I want my remains scattered in a nice wooded area. The only catch is that I don't want to be cremated first" and "One of my resolutions for this year my resolution is to do something useful around the house each day, like flush." Rotramel readily admits he has no chance of winning. Instead, he wants to "make my positions on various issues known. I hope to influence some to a more enlightened way of seeing the world." His liberal platform includes abolishing the death penalty, legalizing prostitution and narcotic drugs, and amending the constitutional Bill of Rights to guarantee a right to food, shelter and health care. He also wants to make anarchist professor Noam Chomsky -- who recently called the US the "world's leading state sponsor of terrorism" -- the National Security Advisor.

Dan Snow (Independant)

He is also very active in groups related to bass fishing. He was the two-time President of the Kentucky Bass Federation, a Founding Board Member of the Bass Research Foundation, and the first Chairman of the Angler's Advisory Committee to the Bass Research Foundation. When President Carter loosened travel restrictions to Cuba, Snow was the first to organize a group trip there (and, yes, it was a bass fishing group). If elected, he promises to "restore the 'freedom to travel' for the American people." As for foreign policy, he condemned the Iraq war against Saddam Hussein as "an illegal and immoral war." He also supports abolishing the IRS, establishing a system of universal health care, the election of federal judges, legalization of prostitution and drugs, ending the tax-exempt status for churches, passage of the livable wage, and "an end to vulgar and profane music being played on public TV and radio."

Da Vid (The Light Party)

Da Vid is the nominee of "The Light Party" -- which is a political entity entirely controlled by party founder "Da Vid, M.D., Wholistic Physician, Human Ecologist & Artist."

When you join the Light Party (cost: a $33 donation), Vid will send you a CD of New Age music and a music video" designed to inspire, delight, heal & enlighten" ... but, wait, there's more. If you join now, he'll throw in a "Wholistic Health Maintenance and Rejuvenation Manual" and other groovy stuff ... operators are waiting for your call. He says that he is not running to win votes, but rather to focus attention on some issues he really cares about -- and says that "millions of people" support the goals of his political movement.

Kurt Weber-Heller (Christian Phalangist Party of American)

Weber-Heller co-founded the CFPA in 1985. A "Falangist" -- just in case you've forgotten -- is a follower of the authoritarian political views advocated by the late Spanish dictator Francisco Franco (to wit: largely a blend of 1930s fascist ideology, strong nationalism and conservative Catholic theology). Outside of Spain, Falanagists in Lebanan succeeded in electing Bashir Gemayel as President in 1982 -- but he was assassinated by Muslim terrorists before taking office. The CFPA "is dedicated to fighting the 'Forces of Darkness' which seeks to destroy Western Christian Civilization." The CFPA site explicitly defines "Forces of Darkness" as being "Radical Islam, Communism/Socialism, the New World Order, the New Age movement, Third Position/Neo-Nazis, Free Masons, Abortionists, Euthanasianists, Radical Homosexuals and Pornographers." Numerous attacks against Islam can be found throughout the CFPA site. Yet, despite this lengthy list of foes that it wishes to destroy -- umm, "defend" themselves against (the wording they use) -- the CFPA helpfully notes it is "not a hate organization and does not condone acts of violence or hatred towards those of differing or opposing viewpoints and lifestyles, nor does it condone racism in any form."

Tom Wells (Family Values Part)

Wells is running for President again in 2004 for the same reason that he founded the ultra-conservative, theocratic party: because -- explains Wells on his site -- God directly spoke to him in his bedroom on December 25, 1994 at 2:00 a.m. and commanded him to do so. Wells' political platform is largely derived from religious fundamentalism -- including numerous citations to Biblical passages -- with an ultimate goal of banning all abortions ("the premeditated murdering of GOD'S innocent children"). He is also opposed to homosexuality, tobacco products, tattoos, alcohol, drugs and gambling -- and supports all of the Ten Commandments. If you disagree with any of these views, Wells writes on his site you are not allowed to contribute any money to his campaign.

James Wright (Independant)

Wright -- along with runningmate Leonard "Len" Foster -- are conservatives who denounce both major parties, former President Clinton, the FBI, etc. Like several others listed on this page, the Wright-Foster team is running an Internet-based campaign under the banner of "Independence USA." Blasting "politicians, corporations, and foreign powers," Foster vows to return control of "America to the Americans" and protect individual rights. Wright was previously a write-in candidate for President in 1992 and 2000. Except for adding a mid-page reference to the Wright Presidential Campaign 2004, it is hard to find any updates to the site since his 2000 run

Australian Military = life of the party

AUSTRALIAN sailors had sex on the beach, streaked through military buses and pranced naked with rolled-up burning paper stuck between their buttocks in a wild, drunken romp at a US outpost in the Indian Ocean.

Among the allegations were widespread drunkenness, urinating in public, overt public male-to-male kissing and abuse of foreign military personnel.

I'm proud of the boys.

Egil Olsen Day 2003

Born on April 22nd, 1942 a distinguished career with Ostsiden, Sarpsborg, Frigg (!) and Valerenga saw him capped 16 times for the Norweigan national team before a move into management.

Coach of the Norweigan national football side from 1990 to 1998, including two World Cup campaigns and a famous victory over Brazil during France '98. Before his rise to the top job they were nothing short of European minnows - the Macedonia or Lithuania of their day - by the time he left they might not have been feared by the Italians, French or English but they were certainly respected.

Appointed as Manager of Wimbledon on August 7th, 1999. The press, and some fans took an immediate dislike to Olsen. It didn't help that he looked like an elderly member of Ah-Ha, wore a distinctive pair of gumboots everywhere and spoke in a sort of strange sporting marxist fashion. It was all about working together as a collective towards the goal of seeing the Dons play in Europe. "He's a foreigner!" they said. "We've never heard of him!". Who, though, had ever heard the name Arsene Wenger before he took over at Arsenal? He came from the freaking Japanese league while Olsen had a proven track-record of successfully managing under-resourced and ordinary sides. I know which one I would have chosen at the time.

"There are two teams I have dreamt about managing - Brazil and Wimbledon" he said on his appointment to the club. Was it legit, or purely "I want you to want me" bluster? We'll never know I suppose, but the evidence presented tends to point to it being at least partly true. His ultra-defensive style that frustrated the world during two World Cups would theoretically fit in perfectly with a side who, in the public's view, had survived for more than ten years in a league much classier than they had any right to be involved with by playing a brand of negative long-ball soccer.

The season started well enough. A 3-2 win over Watford ensured maximum points on opening day but there wasn't to be another league win until October 16th when a Hartson double and Cort goal ensured another 3-2 victory, this time against Bradford.

It had certainly been anything but the negative, dour football the hacks had predicted. The team had already scored three goals in a game five times that year, including two League Cup games. We almost pulled off one of the great upsets at Old Trafford as well - Olsen signing Walid Badir, an Israeli international, opened the scoring after a quarter of an hour and we held on grimly until Jordi Cruyff cheated an equaliser with twenty minutes left. I remember kicking my couch when that goal went in. The problem wasn't, however, scoring goals but rather conceding them at too rapid a rate. 74 in 38 games at the end of the year despite having one of the Premierships best keepers at the time told a story of it's own.

A strong win against Leeds followed, but as a number of draws highlighted relegation as a real possibility a 5-0 massacre of Watford gave us some hope that the great WFC Premier League dream might carry on for another season at least. Sadly too many factors seemed to go against us.

He tried to impose a new tactical scheme on the side, one that had worked so well for him as an international manager, with mixed results. The idea of playing tall strikers down the wing increased the goal-scoring options ten-fold but the failure of defenders to grasp the intricacies of zone defending meant the goals leaked in at an astounding rate. A 5-1 hammering at the hands of Sheffield Wednesday went hand in hand with 4-0 capitulations against Everton and Derby and a 4-1 flogging by Leeds, after we'd been 1-0 in front.

"What I fear most is bad luck. For example, a mad referee." - Olsen

The last win in the top flight came against Leicester on November 3rd. A Carl Cort winner in the 87th minute lifted us well into the mid-table and all that was needed for survival was a good consistent run home. Then Olsen could clear the dead wood, and those not willing to adapt to his plans, and recruit the right side to meet his requirements. Sure, they might have all ended up as Scandanavians but who cared as long as it meant the Dons were in the big-time and winning.

Then it really went wrong. After seven consecutive losses, ten games without a win, and a slide into the relegation zone the players started panicking - Hartson, Cort and Hughes all called for a change of manager during the summer. Ex-manager Joe Kinnear, the man who paid seven and a half million pounds for the clearly unfit (i.e FAT) Hartson and then had a heart-attack fired up as well - "Olsen has ripped the heart out of my Wimbledon" he claimed. "Fuck off" replied a great portion of the fanbase. This was, after all, the tosser who publically supported moving the entire team to Dublin years before Koppell ever floated the idea of packing up the club and shifting to Milton Keynes.

In light of his zany semi-communist sporting philosophies it was ironic that he was sacked by his countryman and WFC Chairman Gjelstein on May 1st, 1999 after the side slumped to a 3-0 defeat at Bradford City. Terry Burton, later sacked in outrageous fashion by well-known moron Charles Koppell, took over but it was too late to salvage the season as a last day loss at Southampton and Liverpool's surely corrupt throwing of a game against Bradford ('88 Cup Final payback I think) sealed our fate.

His final tally as manager was 43 games for 11 wins, 12 draws and 20 losses.

Many Wimbledon fans lay the blame for our relegation from the Premier League solely at the gumbooted feet of Olsen, but I disagree. The tide of money pouring into the top flight ensured that sooner, rather than later, we'd succumb to the pressure of being the top flights 'poor' relation and go down. The whinging of the players, general misery of a great deal of the supporter base and backroom fighting between (alleged) tax cheat Sam Hammam and the Norweigan powerboat racers who would eventually put Charles Kopell in charge all contributed to add an air of farce to the clubs survival tilt.

Egil, you might have been mad and you might have been the man who relegated us. But somebody has to show you some love, and that's me.

Consider this analysis of the man, and tell me he's not some kind of genius,

A manager who travels back from Sunderland on the train with supporters, goes home by tube and conducts a post-match analysis with slightly tipsy fans while standing in the carriage is plenty Crazy Gang spirit for me.

Egil "Drillo" Olsen (1999-2000). We salute you!