Well THERE'S A FUCKING SHOCK - Brett Lee's first ball in the ODI was a wide - why in gods name do they keep picking this dud? It's not like the pissheads in the crowd actually show up to see the crippling of tailenders.

He'll take a hat-trick now just to make me look stupid i'm sure.

England 0/83 - Where's Andy Bichel? Oh look, he's sitting on his ass in the pavilion while pretty-boy Lee costs Australia 10 runs off his first over.

Go Namibia!

Well, well, well

In the greatest upset in modern cinema history the new Bond film is actually quite good (although you'd never believe it from the whining shit who reviews it on IMDB). I went in expecting more of the complete crap the rest of the Brosnan films (now who's the whining shit eh?) have served up but I was pleasantly surprised. It's amazing how much better you can make the lead actor look when you provide a decent plotline and interesting characters. Halle Berry actually ads some class to the Bond Girl role, which has been tarnished in recent years by pissy choices like Terri Hatcher and Denise Richards.

The only notable lowpoints are the laughably awful theme song by Ms.Sex Grandma herself Madonna (marring a perfectly good title sequence), and then to really rub it in a cameo by her as well. Almost made me forget how much i'd been enjoying myself until then.

After that cinematic abortion The World Is Not Enough I was calling for the series to be tossed in the trash can. I guess there's life in the old girl yet, though I expect this might be the last great hurrah.

Mind you (hint, hint) if they were to kill the series now they'd be going out on a high. Sorry, I forget there's money to be made - so carry on.

There's definately something foul going on in the sewer system of Melbourne. I defy you to stand on the corner of Burke and Elizabeth (Opposite GPO) and breathe without almost being physically ill.

It's the voodoo I tells ya... The voodoo.

Alright, the "David Beckham Rumors" search fiasco has reached epidemic proportions. And before you start I am aware of how ironic it is to complain about something by mentioning it again - but it doesn't really matter i'm the only site on Google that mentions it.

30 times today one muppet has searched for "David Beckham rumors" on Google and come to this site. The same person. So, if you're reading now please email me and i'll tell you the full story behind the Beckham scandal (you must be 18!). I really do feel for the poor bastard who is so desperate to find out what Becks has done that he's sat there all day searching again and again and coming back here to find out if there has been any late breaking developments.

I note that it's a worldwide phenomenon..

According to Schnitt, there were 'tens of thousands' of Google searches for the words 'david beckham rumours' in the past week. The much-vaunted 'information society' may not have materialised, but the internet has made a historic contribution to the globalisation of gossip.

So, when they'd exhausted that spelling of it they came to me - the only idiot to Americanise things AND mention allegedly gay (whoops!) football players.

It almost makes you feel... wanted? But not quite.

[Start class prejudice and general nastiness here]

50-year-old Queenslander with a mullet and 8 other children has triplets. Frightening eh? And then the clincher that puts it in the all-time Hall of Fame - they just got kicked out of their trailer park.

Really, could you make it any easier for us to laugh at you?

What i'm offended at most is the idea that anyone has 11 children, let alone somebody who can't even afford to live in a house.

Well, with that piece of extraordinary hubris I guess i've tempted fate to turn me into a homeless bum or something now. So if you're putting your garbage out one night and you catch a toothless idiot going through your trash yelling "I USED TO HAVE A BLOG YOU KNOW!" then you'll know that's me - and you have my permission to shoot on sight.

[End class prejudice and general nastiness for now]

It's a very slow day here at the Project - so have some disturbing news to keep you interested.

Firstly, here's the one appropriate response to any song released by Blur,

A batch of BLUR's rare single DON'T BOMB WHEN YOU ARE THE BOMB has been blown up - by police who thought the box containing the singles were actually a real bomb.

I'd like to blow up Damon Albarn too, but that's just me.

Meanwhile, here's the appropriate response to Christian fundamentalists,

According to the blurb for Six Steps to Spiritual Revival , the Christian Coalition's Pat Robertson "reveals an amazing Scriptural pattern". But there's a pretty amazing pattern emerging amongst buyers of his book on Amazon.com. Scrolling down, you can see that a number of users have recommended The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Men in addition to, or as an alternative to Robertson's tome.

And speaking of appropriate responses (as I am to an annoying degree).. here's what to do when you're rich, old and horny,

Rolf Eden, a Berlin property tycoon, former nightclub owner, and all-purpose celebrity, says he is offering $125,000 to any woman, from anywhere in the world, who can kill him with sex.

Speaking of Germans, here's a good reason to become one,

The crowd on board seem less interested in Berlin's cultural offerings than they are in the tour guide, who slowly disrobes during her commentary, and her two "assistants" who keep spirits high with a series of strip shows.

Finally today, go here and punch on in the great Left vs Right blog debate. Why can't we just be friends? There's gotta be somebody for us all to unite against doesn't there? The English Cricket team maybe?

Yeah, let's get those furniture making bastards!

Two Dutch policemen were wounded when one of two bombs found in outlets of the IKEA home goods chain exploded as they were trying to defuse it on Wednesday.

Sorry, i'm really bored tonight.

Here's some suspicious news for you..

A 95-year-old Palestinian woman returning to her village after buying sweets and nuts for family festivities to mark the end of Ramadan was killed by Israeli soldiers who smashed windows of the minibus in which she was sitting and then fired into the vehicle, family members say.

I was sympathetic reading that until I got the bit where it said "family members say". Sounds a bit fraudulent to me.

A terrifying trend that the authorities should be made aware of - people are actually searching for this page by name on Google...

I saw something else in the paper this morning that disturbed me. An ad for a book called "Essential Blogging" which (for $69.95) promised to help you "Keep your own online journal with a web log or blogg [sic].
Essential Blogging shows how to create compelling, multimedia bloggs in no time."

Sad eh? If there's people stupid enough to pay that much money for a book on something so fricking obvious then it's surely going to lead to a spate of grannies writing massive tracts of text about how their cat took a shit on their new rug.

Blogging isn't really that hard. You write some crap and people read it. Or in my case you write some crap that uses the words "david beckham male scandal" and 300 people get here by searching for that on Google.

Somebody came to this page yesterday via Google - searching for 'Tism kill americans rant'

So, because a) TISM rule, and b) I want to be raided by ASIO, here you go in it's entirety.

Kill all the flag-waving, red-blooded, young Yankee boys
String their torsos up and use their dicks as toys
Nuke every US city, blow them to the sky
Every single fucking yank deserves to fucking die

Then get all the mothers and every apple pie
And gun them down with M-16s, aim 'em at their eyes
Round up every US citizen, all except for Jews
Take that lot to Is-rael and wipe that lot out too

And then get all the Vietnamese that were napalmed to death
And everyone from El Salvador and Cuba and Chile and the rest
And say 'look the yanks are gone, the world is once again free
No more napalm, no more CIA, no more Wounded Knee'

And when they are all celebrating... nuke the fucking lot
And there'll be lots of jelly gasoline in every babies cot
And then load an M-16, give it plenty of feeling,
Put it to your temple, blow your brains onto the ceiling

I went to a South Melbourne-Australian U20's friendly match last night. Pissweak crowd of about 500 (considering it was free) and an ordinary game (South 1-0 for those keeping score).

On the way home I swear I got the saddest carriage ever seen on public transport.

a) There was a guy sitting opposite me, staring and obviously trying to start something. He was wearing a backwards hat, a jacket pulled up over half his face and was listening to Eminem at full volume. I was really trying hard not to laugh 'cos I worried he'd jump over and stab me or something

b) Some guy sitting behind me was intently telling his wife that the problem with Croydon was that there were 'too many asians' there.

c) A bunch of pissheads with Australian soccer scarves (who i'm sure weren't at the game earlier, so I have no idea where they'd come from) were making dicks of themselves by yelling out and dropping things in the train. I'm sure people like that are why most of the South Melbourne fans hate the Australian national team and it's supporters.

d) A couple of clearly smashed people who probably thought they were on the Pakenham line or something

and a bunch of other sad depressing people - myself included.

I have never been more thankful to get out of a train in my life.

I can't believe some of the shit that they put on TV during summer. Tonight is repeat central for all those really tacky and awful Aussie shows that nobody watched during ratings period. So, if you're really dying for a full repeat of Marshall Law then the non-ratings period is definately for you.

On another election related note (i'll never shut up about this you realise) I was speaking to somebody on MSN Messenger today who summed up the mood of the electorate on Saturday

"i went in there and point the numbers by the ppl who i liked there names!"

At least she admitted that she deliberately put Labor last because of an intense personal hatred for Steve Bracks.

This is just insulting, I wake up and turn on the TV to see what they're replacing the cricket with. It's looks like they've dragged Kerri-Anne in to see if they can get the ratings to go even lower than 0.1, so I turn over to the Bert show on 10 and what's the first thing I hear "we'll have all the political news after the break"

Shut up! You're supposed to be selling miracle cures and talking to the stars of stage and screen.

Argh, I can't get away from Brax anywhere. Except when I bought a Sydney newspaper yesterday and he didn't get a mention once, that was nice.

How shattered am I that Beauty and the Beast has been axed? Thank god it looks like I might have something to do during the day next year, i'd be lost without this to watch everyday. Help keep Uncle Doug Mulray rich by visiting The Basement. You can stalk Mieke Buchan there too, which will excite many of my friends.

The good news is that you can still catch half the beauties in awful TV ad's and Jeannie Little in a dumpster somewhere near you.

(P.S - If I get a google hit for "Jeannie Little pron" now I will not be responsible for my actions.)

Late breaking alert - Here's some proof that Englishmen are as stupid as the rest of us.

A student died after being flung 100 feet into the air by a huge catapult.

The 19-year-old was taking part in the stunt at the Middlemoor Water Park in Woolavington near Bridgwater, Somerset, on Sunday.

What's all that about eh? These crazy kids.

"Wahey!" news of the day

Kim Kelly will be attempting to add her name to the star-roster of "Sexual World Record" holders by sucking down a minimum of 90 cum enriched meals... and probably a number of "snacks". That's a diet of nothing more solid than cum, at least three meals a day for a month!

Go here if you want to make a donation to her valiant quest.

Yes, I did read about this on Portal of Evil News. So don't write in and tell me that i'm a pron freak.

I read something highly comical once that said Belgium was famous for three things - Chocolate, paedophile rings and providing a handy backdoor for Germany to attack France through. I found it rather hillarious, but then again I find most things amusing.

Why am I posting this? Erm, no particular reason. I have had one hit in the blog lifetime from Belgium, so i'll expect a few thousand more people googling for Belgian kiddy pron now - joy.

Who am I kidding? The more disturbing the search request, the more I love it!

Speaking of disturbing, here's some of the things making news across this wide, brown, crazy, overpopulated planet..

Michael Jackson's shocked fans in Berlin after appearing to dangle a baby from a hotel window.

The eccentric US pop star had been waving to his German fans when he disappeared back into his room and then a few seconds later brought the baby, with a towel covering its head, out onto the veranda.

Holding the baby with one arm he then briefly dangled the infant over the balcony railing of the Adlon Hotel, before hurrying back into his room with the child.

So, now the reasons why he should be burnt at the stake have reached four figures. And then there's this...

Elizabeth Cornman is a Wiccan with an ax to grind.

Cornman, of Hanover Park, is suing her employer, Mary Kay Cosmetics, for harassment and discrimination based on her religious beliefs.

Seems fair enough to me, have you ever seen what these ugly witch-type-people look like? Hairy underarms are hardly the right look for a company that (probably) endorses a whole raft of beauty items.

Christ, i'm starting to sound like an informercial