Friday, 20 February 2009

Republicans on Drugs

Lo, and let us behold the alleged ""Best Conservative Movies" as chosen by some nutters.

Highlights include,

1. "The Lives Of Others" (2007)
The tale, set in East Germany in 1984, is one part romantic drama, one part political thriller. It chronicles life under a totalitarian regime as the Stasi secretly monitors the activities of a playwright who is suspected of harboring doubts about Communism.

You will note that they never mention how it ranks #1 because it exposes the East German government as ruthless haters. No, it's top of the list because it represents their dream freaking society. Peanuts.

4. Forrest Gump (1994)
Tom Hanks plays the title character, an amiable dunce who is far too smart to embrace the lethal values of the 1960s. The love of his life, wonderfully played by Robin Wright Penn, chooses a different path; she becomes a drug-addled hippie, with disastrous results.

Seriously, what world would you having to be living in to believe any of that? But, in this world Forrest is the man because he shot at some chinks in Southeast Asia rather than doing lines off Jimi Hendrix's knob at Woodstock.

5. 300 (2007)
During the Bush years, Hollywood neglected the heroism of American soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan — but it did release this action film about martial honor, unflinching courage, and the oft-ignored truth that freedom isn’t free.

So the Spartans used to rape, pillage, plunder and throw disabled kids off cliffs - but because everyone hates George Bush's guts they're suddenly heroes. The war on drugs isn't working in some quarters.

6. Groundhog Day (1993)
This putatively wacky comedy about Bill Murray as an obnoxious weatherman cursed to relive the same day over and over in a small Pennsylvania town, perhaps for eternity, is in fact a sophisticated commentary on the good and true.

Oh come on, now you're just taking the piss.

19. We Were Soldiers (2002)
Most movies about the Vietnam War reflect the derangements of the antiwar Left.

Are there seriously people who refer to themselves as "pro" war? That's like being "pro" AIDS. Fucksticks.

21. Heartbreak Ridge (1986)
A welcome glorification of Reagan’s decision to liberate Grenada in 1983, the film also notes how after a tie in Korea and a loss in Vietnam, America can finally celebrate a military victory. Eastwood, the old war horse, walks off into retirement pleased that he’s not “0–1–1 anymore.”

Now, I quite like Heartbreak Ridge but anyone who thinks twatting the army of Grenada is a monumental occasion like the other two wars has clearly been ripping cones with Michael Phelps. Celebrating a win in Grenada is like celebrating a win in Round 22 when you've finished 12th. The good news for the Americans is that just a few years later they took on, and belted, another one of the world's military superpowers... Panama. And nobody even bothered to make a movie about that.

24. Team America: World Police (2004)
This marionette movie from South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone is hard to categorize as conservative. It’s amazingly vulgar and depicts Americans as wildly overzealous in fighting terror. Yet the film’s utter disgust with air-headed, left-wing celebrity activism remains unmatched in popular culture

Fuck off and fuck off now.

And amongst the other nominees who didn't quite make it there's one Rocky Balboa. Now, this is interesting. Ask yourself how that gets a run and none of the other Rocky movies do;

I - Down and out everyman fights his way to a world title match and puts in a heroic performance.
II - Same film, different result. Nobody as champ - what's more American and wanky than that?
III - Hulk Hogan AND Mr. T. Come on - GET IT IN THERE.
IV - Fair enough I suppose, given that everyone knows Ivan Drago was a hundred times the man Balboa was - and that Brigitte Nielsen was a trillion times better than Adrienne. USSR 1, USA 0.
V - Ok, this was complete shit.

In the interest of political balance I'd like to point out that Fahrenheit 9/11 was one of the sorriest excuses for a documentary that I've ever seen and that Mike Moore should have retired on a hig hafter Bowling For Columbine.


Mel said...

Heartbreak Ridge was on TV on Friday night but it irritated me after the first half hour so I turned it off.

Adam 1.0 said...

Distressingly enough I actually watched it on DVD on Friday night. It's quite the shit film but it's got a highlight or two.

My favourite part is how they never really explain why they're invading some dinky resort like Grenada but act like they just won the Second World War when it's over.