Thursday, 13 January 2005

“Burn down the disco, hang the blessed DJ”

I don’t want to break this poor boy’s heart but I must say it. I’m deeply suspicious of DJ’s. Not in the same way that I’m deeply suspicious of Catholic priests but suspicious nonetheless. I should clarify my point. If you do crazy things with songs, drop zany samples and can create a seamless mash-up of “One Night In Bangkok” vs Nikki Webster’s “Strawberry Kisses” then you’re a gun. I’ll rise to applaud. But if you entire job is to put headphones on, change CD’s over in a pub and pick up 16-year-old girls then I’ll be the one at the back booing you loudly.

The final straw came from the guy referenced in the comments of this post. He stood there on stage alongside a flunky, dancing around with comedy sized headphones on, honking onto ciggies and chatting up teenage girls. Every once in a while he’d go through the CD wallet, pick a new one out and give us five minutes of a Fatman Scoop/Eminem cross that he’d got off the front of a magazine. And that’s it. There’s some knob twiddling - in each sense of the word - but it didn’t amount to much more. How does this warrant accreditation. What does he get a stage for? Is it just there to provide a focal point for people to dance in front of? You could achieve the same

Personally I was watching the rodeo at the time so it didn’t distress me too much but I can understand some people taking great offence. If you want people to look in a certain direction put a monkey in a balaclava up there and attach a speaker blaring out something by Kelis to it’s head. That’ll do the job.

I suggest a system of licensing where you have to refer to yourself as a “CD CHANGER” until you’ve passed a battery of rigorous tests and inspections. And that “Disc Inspectors” shall show up randomly at clubs and crack down anyone advertising somebody as a “Live DJ” (or anything similar) simply because they can make “California Love” overlap with “” for a few seconds and follow it up with a remix that somebody ELSE has created. I could do that - and given the opportunity I would just to play complete rubbish and clear the place - but I wouldn’t go around acting as if my name was Frankie Knuckles* and attempting to score. And on that note there will be a strictly enforced 0.00% picking up ratio while you’re on your probationary DJ licence. Would work nicely. Of course private parties and charity organisations would be exempt.

Call your local MP now.

* I didn’t even bother looking it up. He could be a Swedish gospel singer for all I know.

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